The Almost Pointless Story of Terrence Wolfblade
by SSJ4
Summary: Terrence Wolfblade is a mercenary. Sometimes he's even a hero for hire. See some of his adventures, laugh at the weirdos he has to put up with, and find out about his past, and how it affects his future. Chapter 15: Lawn Gnoming
1. Prologue

Author's Note: Yep, the prologue to my own RuneScape story, staring Terrence Wolfblade, a character based off of my own RuneScape character. As of now, I don't have an entire storyline, except that this is mostly the adventures of Wolfblade, and the story of his past. Also, it'll be somewhat of a humor fic. Enjoy!

Prologue

In the world of Gielenor (more commonly known as "RuneScape" by simple mortals), there was once a village known as Garendor. A poor village, Garendor had to put up with being a town that no one knew about. That didn't bug them much, though, because they were a peaceful people, and a peaceful town suited them perfectly.

In this village, there was a great warrior known as Alan Wolfblade. He was a renowned warrior, who had battled against a great many fearsome foes, and won. However, he had settled down now, and had two children. One was known as Archibald (what were they thinking?) and the other, Terrence.

Ever since he was a little kid, Terrence wanted to grow up to be like his father. He wanted to be a great warrior, renowned throughout Gielenor.

"Dad, can you teach me how to swordfight?" he would always ask his father.

"Not until you're older, son," Alan had always told him.

Alan had taught the older Archibald how to fight, but wouldn't teach Terrence. Finally…

"Terrence!" he called out. "C'mon, I'm gonna show you how to fight."

"Really?" said Terrence, excited. "Yeah!"

"I wouldn't have before," Alan told him, "But the author said I had to for story purposes."

Ehehe…

"Thanks, author!" No problem. Now, where was I? Oh yeah.

Alan taught his son the basics. Terrence wasn't allowed to use a real sword yet, simply a carved wooden sword. But, he was still happy. _Everything's great_, thought Terrence. _Someday, I'm gonna be the greatest swordsman alive._ Terrence's life had taken a turn for the better.

Or so he thought. One night…

_What's that smell?_ Thought Terrence. He had awoken to a strange sound, and he was instantly aware of a smell. He stood up, looked out the window, and gasped.

The village was completely ablaze. Fire everywhere, almost blinding him. Then, he realized…

_Oh no! Mom! Dad! Archibald!_ He ran out of his room, and found the hallway burning. He was trapped. If he went outside, he would land right in the fire. If he walked through the hallway, he would be, in military terms, a screaming alpha.

"Darn it! What am I gonna do?" Look to your left. "Huh?" There was a conveniently placed bucket of water there. "Perfect!" He grabbed the bucket, and splashed the fire. It was put out, but not for long.

"You realize that a measly bucket wouldn't have put out that fire, right?" asked Terrence.

Oh shut up! Would you rather you were burned to death?

"On second thought…" He ran through the hallway, and to his parents' room. He walked in, to find…nothing.

"Huh? Where'd they go?"

He ran to the door, thinking that his family might've gotten out. As he ran outside, he saw a bunch of people…dead.

"Oh man…" He ran, realizing he had to get out now. But then…

"You filth! Why'd you burn down the village?"

He saw someone wearing rune armor without a helmet, and he was fighting a mysterious man in a cape. He wore a mask, so Terrence couldn't see his face. He wore all black, with brown boots and gloves. He had a rune longsword.

"You foolish old man," he said. "They say you're the best swordsman, and yet you can't even match me!"

_The best swordsman?_ Thought Terrence in horror. Then, he realized who the man in the armor was.

"Dad!"

"Huh?" The armored man looked to find the source of the voice. "Terrence?"

"Fool!" said the caped man, as he punched Alan's unarmored face. "You shouldn't let petty things distract you!" He gazed at Alan's dazed face, pulled up his sword, and brought it down.

"No!" Terrence screamed. He saw the sword go through, saw his dad fall to the ground…Terrence ran to him and knelt down. "Dad, are you okay?"

"Terrence…" he said weakly. "Get out…now…"

Terrence watched as his dad lay his head down, and breathed his last.

"No! Dad! Wake up!" He shook his father's body, but no luck. Terrence fought back tears as he stood up. He looked into the face of his father's killer.

"You monster!" he yelled. He picked up his father's adamant longsword. It was much heavier than a wooden sword, so he handled it with difficulty. "You killed my dad! You killed him! I'll kill you!" He lunged forward, trying to hit this evil person.

"You should've heeded your father's advice," he said unemotionally. He dodged to the right, and brought down the handle of the sword.

"Wha-?" Terrence managed to say, but then everything went black.

Author's note: Well, that's the prologue. Short, I know, but I wanted to test this. This'll be a combination of humor and action, as well as maybe some angst. So, read and review!


	2. Prologue Part II

Author's Note: Well, I got one review. That's something. Then again, my story hasn't been up for very long. I just had realized that I had to add more to the prologue. So, a two-part prologue it is! And since I can't click the reply button for anonymous reviews, I'll just say that this won't be as pointless or as funny as Cerridwyn's fic, because I just like doing fight scenes too much to make them very funny. I also realized this may not make a good humor fic…but who knows?

Prologue, Part 2

Terrence: What the-?

What?

Terrence: You idiot! Making another part to the prologue!

So?

Terrence: No one in their right minds makes a two-part prologue!

Oh shut up before I cancel the story.

Terrence: You wouldn't do that.

Psst! The story's starting!

Terrence: Oh.

"Ugh…"

_Where am I? What happened? Who was that guy?_ He suddenly opened his eyes. He was in a small cabin out in the middle of nowhere. An old man walked in.

"Ah, I see that you are finally awake," he said. He had a kind voice.

"Where am I?" Terrence asked.

"You are in the middle of nowhere."

"I figured that out, but where in the middle of nowhere?"

"The middle, of course!"

Terrence just stared at him. _He's nuts,_ he thought to himself. "What happened?"

"Well," said the old man, getting a sad look on his face. "I am afraid that you are the only survivor from your village."

"What?" asked Terrence. "What are you-?" Then he remembered. The fire, that weird masked guy… "Oh…you mean…no one made it out? No one?"

"No one," he said sadly. "It's a shame. Your father was a good friend of mine. I will miss him…"

"Wait," asked Terrence. "If you two are friends, how come I've never met you?" The old man cleared his throat.

"Because."

"Well, whatever. Why'd you save me?"

"The author told me to for story purposes. And you never want to annoy the author." Terrence blinked.

"Why?"

"I had a friend once who annoyed an author. He reckons his left buttock has never been the same since.

"Oh, well…wait. Story? What the heck are you talking about?"

"Well, young lad, you see, we are all part of a story on a website somewhere."

What was he talking about? Website? Story? _He's really nuts._ Terrence was keen on getting out of here while he could. He got up.

"No, don't leave yet," said the old man. "You must eat something."

"I'm…fine," Terrence said. He looked around, and found his father's adamant longsword. He picked it up. "I'm gonna leave."

"But young one," the old man said, "What will you do? How will you live?"

"I'll figure something out." Terrence turned around and left. Then he realized he really was in the middle of nowhere. _Crap,_ he thought. _How the heck am I gonna get out of here?_ "Uh, can I have a map or something?"

"No problem, young one." The old man grabbed a map and gave it to him. Terrence opened it, to find a place on there called Nowhere. And the cabin was right in the middle of it. Dead center.

"Uh, okay." He began to walk off to Falador.

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Author's Note: Well, there you have it. The prologue showing Terrence's past. But what else happened? Who was the masked guy? You'll have to wait for a while to find out. Anyway, like I said, this isn't very funny now, but think of this. As a mercenary, Terrence meets all kinds of people. Some of them are bound to be idiots. I've written humor before without putting it here, so I'll try more humor later. So, R&R, and I'll see you later.


	3. The First Mission

Author's Note: Hey! I'm alive! Well, I'm back, with a new chapter for you! I hope you all are still there…pokes reviewers with stick 

Terrence: Don't do that. They'll leave.

They already left.

Terrence: Well, can we just get on with the story so we know what happens to me next?

Yep. Here we go!

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Chapter I: The First Mission 

"About time," said Terrence, annoyed. A random passerby walked by right then.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Author!" Terrence yelled warningly. Heheh…I love this job. Ahem, anyway…

It had been six months since Terrence woke up in that crazy old guy's house. Now, he was thirteen. After leaving the house, he had traveled to Falador, and then left. He had to make money somehow, and he chose to be a mercenary. So, he had gone north, to train against the bears.

"Roar!" roared a bear. You realize I just said it roared twice and-

"Hey, back to the story!" Terrence said sharply. Yeah, I almost forgot. Terrence groaned. "Whatever."

He had started to get better, and wasn't limping back to Falador all that much recently. Using his father's old Adamant Longsword, he had gotten stronger, and faster.

He stared hard at the bear, waiting…waiting…waiting…waiting…

"They get the picture." Yeah I know. I just love annoying you. But, right as Terrence spoke, the bear attacked, landing a blow on his shoulder and knocking him over!

"Ow! Hey, you did that on purpose!" Yep, got that right. Terrence looked the bear in the eye, and saw it lift up its claw for the killing blow. But Terrence grinned; he had been in this situation many times already, and knew exactly what to do. He rolled over at just the right moment, and the bear got its claws stuck in the ground! Terrence got up, and stabbed the sword into the bear's side.

"ROAR!" It roared its terrible roar, and died. Terrence cut of some of its meat with his sword, started a fire, and cooked the meat. All in a day's work.

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Terrence walked back to Falador. If he wanted to be a mercenary, he had to register at the Mercenary's Guild for some stupid reason.

"But there is no Mercenary's Guild," Terrence said.

There is now.

"Huh?"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a large building popped up from the ground. And on it, in large neon lights, were the words:

MERCENARY'S GUILD

"Oh, thanks," said Terrence. He walked up to the large door, and entered.

Inside, there were a lot of people, mostly a bunch of bad-smelling, muscle-headed idiots with axes. Terrence quickly realized he was the youngest person here; everyone was at least twenty-five, and the oldest were somewhere between seventy and three hundred ninety-four. Terrence walked up to the receptionist's desk.

"Whaddya want, kid?" asked the guy behind the desk.

"Uh…" Terrence wondered what would happen after his said this. "I want to be a mercenary."

The man stared at him for about five seconds, and then began to laugh his head off.

"BWAHAHAHA!" he laughed with a booming laugh. "Hey guys, check this out! Little shrimp here wants to be a mercenary!"

Everyone who heard this began to laugh just as hard. Terrence felt his temper rising. He suddenly drew his sword, slashed the receptionist across the chest, and sheathed his sword in one swift movement. Everyone fell silent and stared at him. He looked at the receptionist, somewhat calm.

"So, are you gonna let me apply, or not?" he said, trying hard not to yell. The receptionist staggered up and glared at Terrence. Then…

"You've got nerve, kid," he said. "Alright, you can take the mercenary test."

"Test?" Terrence asked. "There's a test?"

"Yep. Follow me."

He walked out from behind the desk and into a doorway. Terrence followed, keeping his hand on his sword's handle, just in case the receptionist tried to attack him.

They ended up outside, on a brick floor. To the left was a grassy field. The receptionist turned around and gestured to a man next to a lever.

"He's the examiner," he explained. "Just do as he says."

"Uh…okay," said Terrence, somewhat nervous. The examiner walked up to Terrence.

"Alright, what I want you to do," he explained, "Is to go out into the middle of that field." He pointed at the field. Terrence looked out there, and saw a red stain in the middle.

"You mean the spot with the red paint?" he asked, even though he strongly suspected that it wasn't paint.

"Uh…yes, red paint, that's right," said the examiner with a nervous laugh. "Anyway, yes, stand out on the…red paint."

"You must think I'm stupid," said Terrence.

"No, seriously, that's part of the test."

"Whatever…"

Terrence decided to play along. He began to walk out, hand on sword handle, when…

"Wait."

Terrence stopped and turned around. The examiner was looking at him.

"You won't need your sword."

Terrence almost laughed. _They must really think I'm stupid,_ he thought. He put his sword down hesitantly, and walked out to the…red paint stain. He stepped on the stain…

"PULL!"

"What the-WOAH!"

The patch of ground with the…red paint…suddenly shot up with enough force to send Terrence flying!

"WOARGH!"

He flew up twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty feet at least, and then began to fall fast!

_Now I see where the paint came from,_ he thought bitterly.

WHAM!

He slammed into the ground in a crumpled heap, and didn't move.

"Is he dead?" he heard the receptionist ask.

"Hmm…I think so…wait!"

Terrence began to struggle to get up. Amazingly, he hadn't broken a bone. Besides, he's the main character. He can't die. He got up and glared at the examiner.

"You're dead!"

"You passed!"

Terrence almost lunged forward, but suddenly stopped and fell over. He got up, still trying to comprehend what the examiner just said.

"I…passed?" he asked, confused. "All I did was fly into the air and nearly get killed."

"Well, that's the test!" the examiner explained as though it were obvious. "If you don't die, you become a mercenary! If you die, well, odds are you won't."

"Odds are? But, if I died, I couldn't be a-"

"Well, enough explaining! Here's something from the future called a beeper. People can use it to hire you!"

He pushed something into Terrence's hand. Terrence stared at it for a moment, then grabbed his adamant longsword off of the ground. The examiner began to take him to the lobby.

"Well, off you trot!"

He pushed Terrence out the door and closed it.

…'_Off you trot?'_

------------

He had done it. Somehow, he had become a mercenary just by surviving a fall. _That was a really weird test,_ thought Terrence. But he didn't care. Now, all he had to do was wait for a job.

BEEPBEEP! BEEPBEEP!

"What the-?" Terrence looked at the "beeper." That explained why it was called that. He looked at it, and saw a town and a name…

Falador – Mayor shortman

"I just left there!" he said, somewhat angry. "Well, at least I can get there easily enough." He simply turned around and walked back into Falador. But a thought hit him; since when did Falador have a mayor? And what the heck was a mayor?

He soon found out as he walked into the castle.

"Halt!" said one of the White Knights, blocking Terrence's path. "Who goes there?"

"Uh…" said Terrence. "I'm here to see…" He looked at his beeper. "Mayor Shortman."

"Oh, okey-dokey then!" They let him in.

_Well, that was easy,_ thought Terrence as he walked past the Knights. He had to navigate the maze of the castle, until finally he found who he was looking for.

"Hello there, Terrence." The mysterious cloaked figure appeared out of nowhere! You idiot! You're not supposed to show up here! "Oh, fine…" He vanished and Terrence found who he was _really_ looking for.

"Hello!" said thin air. Terrence looked around and saw no one. Then, he looked down to see a very short man with a large mustache and a top hat. "I am Mayor Shortman!"

_Well, that explains the name,_ thought Terrence, not daring to voice those words. "Uh, hi. I'm Terrence Wolfblade."

"Oh!" exclaimed Shortman. "You're the mercenary I hired! But, you're rather young for a mercenary, aren't you?"

"Well, I'm officially qualified!" Terrence told him. "I passed the…dangerous test!" _Hopefully he doesn't know what the test really is,_ Terrence thought.

"Oh, I see!" Shortman said. "Well, anyway, step into my office."

They walked through a nearby door, and Shortman sat behind his desk. Terrence sat in front of it.

"Before we begin," Terrence said, "I'd like to know one thing. What the heck is a mayor? I thought this place was a kingdom?"

"It is!" Shortman said. "But, the king is out on business, and he put me in charge."

------------

Out in the desert south of Al-Kharid, there was a sleeping figure in the sands. He was beginning to wake up.

"Ugh…" said the King of Falador. He looked around. "How'd I get here? Hello?"

------------

Shortman cleared his throat.

"Um, yes, anyway," he said, rather nervously. "Let's get on with the job.

"Recently, there have been attacks."

"Attacks," said Terrence.

"Exactly," Shortman said. "But not just by ordinary thugs. By a strange man…believed to be half-man, half-phoenix."

Terrence was silent when he heard this. Half-phoenix? Then, he spoke up.

"Someone must've been really desperate to have a kid."

"Yes, well," said Shortman dismissively. "He is no laughing matter. His name is Jack Phoenix. He is very strong physically, he is very adept at fire spells, and he has wings."

"Wait…wings?" Terrence asked, surprised. Now _that_ was odd.

"Yes, wings," Shortman said. "He's been causing a large amount of panic among the people. The white knights have tried to fight him, but they can't hit him when he flies, and his spells do abnormal amounts of damage because of their heavy armor.

"That's why I need you to stop him. I do not wish to sacrifice any more of my men, and a mercenary would be easier."

"So, you'd rather have me die or kill him than have your own men fight him?" Terrence asked, trying to clear things up.

"Exactly!"

Silence. Then…

"Well, how am I supposed to fight him? I can't fly." Terrence said.

"That's where our resident crazy scientist guy comes in," Shortman explained. "He has been working on a device to make humans fly!"

"But, I heard the dwarves already figured that out," Terrence said.

"Yes, but that's by plane!" Shortman told him. "This is by wings!"

"Wings?" said Terrence. "You mean genetic alteration?"

"Huh?"

"I have no idea how I knew about that sort of thing."

"Well, anyway, no," Shortman told him. "Go see him, and come back to me. Then, we will discuss the reward you will get once you defeat Phoenix."

"Uh, okay." Terrence got up and left. Was everyone he'd meet on his journey gonna be this weird?

You have no idea.

"I'm jumping for joy," Terrence said sarcastically.

------------

Terrence came up to an odd building that popped up out of nowhere. It said, in neon lights:

CRAZY SCIENTIST GUY'S LAB

"Well, at least he's easy to find," Terrence said. He walked through the large double doors, and came across an odd room filled with potions, smoke, and other thing Terrence didn't want to know about.

"And I'll put this here," said a voice, "And this here…" Lightning suddenly struck. "MWAHAHAH! IT'S ALIVE!"

Terrence saw a man in a lab coat laughing his head off. Literally.

"Oh," he said as he reached down to get his head. "I hate it when that happens."

"Um…excuse me?" Terrence said. He wanted to get in and out of this place as soon as humanly possible.

"Huh?" said the scientist guy, jumping. His head fell off again, and he grabbed it, but didn't put it on. "Hello." He walked up to him, and suddenly shoved the head at Terrence's face, until it was about two inches away. Terrence didn't run, but leaned back hastily. "Are you here to see my…" Lightning struck again. "Experimentations?"

"Uh…no," said Terrence. "I was told by Shortman to come see you."

"Ah!" the scientist said, putting his head back on his neck. "You're the mercenary!"

"Yeah…" _I can see why he's called 'Crazy Scientist Guy,'_ thought Terrence.

"I am Professer Borgindeeshmorger, Borgin for short" he said, pulling a hand out of a jar and giving it to Terrence. "Shake my hand."

"Uh…okay…" Terrence shook the hand, then gave it back. But it suddenly jumped out of his hand, landed on the floor, and ran off.

"So sorry about that," said Borgin.

"So, I'm here about…wings?" Terrence asked hesitantly. He had the urge to run away, but he wasn't about to run from his first mission ever.

"Ah yes, of course!" said Borgin. "Here you go!"

He handed him some really crappy looking artificial wings. Terrence looked at the wings uncertainly.

"Uh…no offense, Professor, but…those things look like crap."

"I know, but I tested them myself!" Borgin told him. "And after my head fell to the ground, I saw myself soaring through the air! It was amazing!"

_Man, this guy's almost crazier than that old man is,_ Terrence thought. But, whatever. "Uh, thanks." Terrence left the lab, and went back to the castle.

Borgin waited, then turned around.

"At least he didn't see my current project...Borgin's Monster!" He stared at the walking corpse. "MWAHAHAHAHA!"

But then, it died!

"Aw darn it!"

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Author's Note: Well, that's the chapter. On a scale of 1 to 10, how funny was it? And how can I make things funnier? Advice is always a good thing, as long as it's not a flame.

Terrence: After this crap you'll probably be writing this story for thin air.

Quiet, you. Anyway, read and review!


	4. Meet the Phoenix

Author's Note: After averaging out my humor ratings, I find I'm at 8.167/10. Oo That's an odd number, isn't it?

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Chapter II: Meet the Phoenix

"Can we just get on with the story?" asked Terrence.

"Huh? What do you mean?" asked Shortman. Terrence groaned.

"Ugh…well, anyway," he said. "I got the wings from Borgin."

He held up the wings, showing just how crappy looking they were.

"Yes, well," said Shortman uncertainly. "He _is_ crazy, after all."

"I never noticed," Terrence said sarcastically. "So, where was Phoenix last seen?"

"I think he was last seen flying down to Port Sarim."

"Alright then, I'll go there." Terrence got up. "I'll be back soon, and Phoenix'll be finished."

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_Man, this world is weird,_ thought Terrence. _How come everyone is a complete lunatic?_

His walk down to Port Sarim was uneventful, except for one n00b begging for his adamant longsword. He had told him off and left, but when the n00b had continued following, Terrence had introduced him to the Highwaymen that frequented the road. Now his trip was silent, except for the occasional "Looking for BF", "need fre stf", and "givem e yur stuf or ill reprt u noob".

He finally arrived in Port Sarim. The place looked nice. There was a magic shop, a grocery store, a fishery, and…

"A bar!" said Terrence. He figured he might as well go here first; usually in a bar there would be a crazy lunatic who knew about exactly what you needed to know. Terrence went in and ordered a glass of frothy ale. He sat at a table by himself, and listened to the new "jukebox" thing that had recently been invented.

"You know what?" said Terrence. "Being a mercenary might not be so bad if I get to do this." This won't be all you do. "Crap."

"Don't worry, I'm okay…" he heard someone say. He looked over at a table and saw three people: two men and a woman who looked like she had just stopped crying.

"So, what happened?" asked one man.

"Well," said the woman. "Steve and I had been going out for about a year, right?"

"Yeah," said the second man. "Go on?"

"Well, there was this…this _tramp,_" She said the last word with bitterness in her voice. "She was saying 'looking for BF.' I saw him checking her out, and I asked him, 'What does she got that I don't?'"

"What did he say?" asked the first man.

"He said…he…said…" She looked on the verge of tears again. "That I was too…smart for him! He needed that girl because she was stupid! And he said she had a great body, too, but…" She then dissolved into tears.

"C'mon, don't cry," said the first man. "You don't need that guy. You'll find someone better."

"Yeah, I…I guess…" she said. She looked a little happier. Then, another voice spoke up.

"So, honey," said a guy to his girlfriend. "How about I start up our song, _Runes by the Moonlight?_"

"Sounds good honey," said the woman. Then, there was a scream.

"_Runes by the Moonlight?_" said the first woman. "That was our song!" She began crying again, harder than before. Terrence grabbed his moneybag and pulled out the contents. Twelve coins. Well, it would have to do.

_I can't believe I'm doing this,_ he thought. He ran up to the jukebox and stuck in a coin. Then, he pressed a random song. He did the same thing about five more times.

"Hey, buddy!" said the man who was about to play the song. "What gives?"

"Oh, sorry, I…just really like the song I set up to play," said Terrence, grinning. The man scowled and walked away.

"Oh, thank you!" said the woman. "You saved my life…"

"Thanks," said the first man.

"Yeah. So…" said the second man. "What song are we gonna be listening to for the next half hour?"

"I dunno," said Terrence. "Whatever the heck Kay Nine is."

Then, the song started. It was a dog barking at random intervals. Terrence put one hand on his head and tried to keep from laughing. How the heck was the world this stupid?

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Terrence was back at his table. It had been about fifteen minutes, and the song was still playing.

_Geez, who in their right minds puts this on a jukebox?_ Thought Terrence. _Wait, that's it, isn't it? "Right minds."_ He groaned. He looked around, trying to ignore the barking. Who would know something about a half-phoenix man?

Then, he saw someone. An old man, sitting alone at a table. Terrence knew at once that the man would know about him; the old man was partially charred. Terrence stood up, walked over to the old man, and sat down, not waiting for an invitation.

"Hey there," he said. The old man stared at him, not answering. Terrence continued. "I'm looking for information on a man with wings."_ Man, that sounds stupid._ "Do you know anything about him?" The old man's eyes suddenly widened.

"Wings?" he said with a raspy voice. "Yeah, I met him. He burned me, but I don't think it shows."

"Uh…" Terrence didn't know what to say. "Right, well, do you know where he is?"

"Yer lookin' for him?" asked the old man.

"Nope, I'm just asking for no reason," Terrence told him. "Here's your sign." He handed him a sign with the word "STUPID" on it.

"You askin' for information, and you insult the man yer askin'?" He looked angry.

"No, I just mean you're asking a stupid question," Terrence responded. "Anyway, where is he?"

"I wuldn no," he said.

_Is it just me, or did his spelling get worse?_ Thought Terrence. _And what the heck do I mean by spelling?_

"U IZ TEh SOOPID!" said the old man. "U IZ CANUT BEET HIM!1!11!1shift+one11!"

"What the-?" Terrence said aloud. "Uh, I'll…be leaving…" He got up quickly and ran out the door as fast as he could. He sighed after he left.

_Man, I think the last of the sanity in this world was destroyed with my village…_ thought Terrence. _None of them were like this._

Thinking of his village brought back the painful memories of that night. Watching his father die at the hands of that cloaked man…trying to fight the man, but losing easily…

"Help!"

Terrence looked to the left, searching for the source of the voice. Then, he found it.

"No, don't hurt us!" said a cowering woman, who was holding a baby.

The attacker was tan skinned, and he wore black leather pants, leather gloves and boots, and a black leather jacket with a fire symbol on the back. He had long, brown hair, and red eyes. But the thing that identified him most, was his…

_Wings…_ thought Terrence. _That's him…_

"Heh," said Jack Phoenix. He put on a high, shrilly voice. _"Don't hurt me, oh no!_ Hah! You think that's all it's gonna take, lady?"

"No, don't!" said the woman, begging now. Terrence drew his sword.

"Hey!" he called. Phoenix looked over his shoulder at Terrence, who was pointing his sword at him. "Leave her alone!"

"Oh," said Phoenix, turning around. "Look at the big man. You're what, nine? Ten?"

"I'm thirteen!" Terrence yelled, trying to keep him distracted. The woman got up and ran away, but Phoenix didn't seem to care.

"Oh, you're thirteen!" he said in a baby voice. "I'm sooooooo scared."

"Yeah, well you should be," said Terrence. "I'm on orders to take you in, dead or alive. Preferably dead."

"Well then, try it," said Phoenix. "I'm sure you can win! Hahaha!"

Terrence had had enough. He lunged at him, sword in hand. Phoenix didn't move. Terrence tried to tackle him, but Phoenix easily reversed the move and threw him to the ground.

"Hahaha! Like I said," he said mockingly. "I'm sure you can win!"

Terrence got up quickly. He stared hard at Phoenix, analyzing his situation. What was Phoenix's weakness?

"I'll kill you no matter what it takes!" said Terrence. He attacked again, this time slashing with his sword. Phoenix dodged to the right.

"Fire Strike!"

Terrence felt a scorching heat, and was blasted backwards into some crates.

"Ugh…" He rubbed his head, trying to get up. He looked up, and saw Phoenix standing over him.

"You're probably expecting me to tell you to give up, right?"

"Well," said Terrence, managing to get up and take a few steps back. "Isn't that what all badguys do at this point?"

"Not me," said Phoenix, grinning evilly. "I'm not all badguys." He pointed his palm at Terrence. "Fire Bolt!"

The blast launched, but this time Terrence was expecting it; he dodged to the side and the blast hit a ship, causing it to start sinking. Phoenix wasn't looking at him; he was looking at the boat…

"Hi-yah!" Terrence swung his sword at Phoenix's back.

"Agh!" yelled Phoenix in agony. He stumbled forward, and now he had a particularly large gash on his back. He looked at Terrence with fury. "You'll pay for that, kid."

He began to flap his wings, and he rose into the air.

"Try to hit me now! Haha!" He flew around, mocking Terrence.

"You have to fly to beat me, coward?"

"Coward?" said Phoenix. "Not a coward, just someone who takes advantage of his own abilities! Now die!" He flew down at an incredible speed, and Terrence couldn't dodge in time. Phoenix slammed into him, knocking him into another crate. Terrence got up in time to see Phoenix charging at him. Without really thinking, he jumped to the side and Phoenix smashed into some of the crates.

_That's it!_ Thought Terrence. _His weakness is his speed!_ He grabbed a nearby barrel. Phoenix flew out of the crates and charged at him again, and Terrence threw the barrel at him. Phoenix flew straight into it.

"Urgh! Darn you!" he said, clearly angry. He kept swooping down, trying to tackle Terrence, but Terrence kept grabbing barrels and throwing them at Phoenix, using his speed against him. But, eventually, he had been chased off of the port, and near the rune shop. No barrels here.

"Dang it!" said Terrence. He saw Phoenix charge at him.

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Inside the rune shop, a mage was buying runes from the witch who ran the store.

"So, that'll be 100 air runes, will it?" the witch said. "That'll be-agh!"

The witch and the mage screamed out loud as someone came crashing through the window and slammed into the wall. He stood up and began to run out of the shop.

"Sorry about that!" Terrence said as he left. Where was Phoenix?

"Up here!" said Phoenix, flying overhead. "Catch me if you can! Haha!" With that, he began to fly towards Falador.

_Darn it, he's getting away!_ Thought Terrence. _How can I…wait…_ He pulled out the crappy wings. _Well, it's worth a shot._

He slung the wings handles around his shoulders (like a backpack), grabbed the handles on the wings themselves, and flapped. And flapped. Nothing was happening, until…

_Hey…_ he thought. He had just realized his feet weren't touching the ground. _They work. They really work!_ He looked upwards, and began flying into the sky, determined to stop Phoenix.

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Author's Note: 'gasp' They really work! Yes, I realize this wasn't as funny as the last chapter, but bare with me. I really like making fight scenes, and most of the time they have more action than humor. Also, I've decided to make a forum for this story, so you can discuss the story if you want to. But, I still want reviews!


	5. Air Duel with Phoenix

Author's Note: Well, after my recent hiatus (being too busy and/or lazy to write) I'm back! begins singing really badly

Terrence: Careful, or you'll scare off the reviewers.

We have reviewers?

Terrence: Oh…that's right.

Chapter III: Air Duel with Phoenix

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, I once owned a pair of shoes, but they got lost down the drain.

Terrence: How do you lose a pair of shoes down the drain?

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He was flying. He was really flying with these crappy wings. And they shouldn't even be able to fly because of all the holes in them. But they worked!

"YAAHOOOOO!" he couldn't help but yell. Flying was a lot of fun, even though he was still in the middle of a life and death battle. Or, he would be, once he found Phoenix.

"You see?" said a voice from the ground. Terrence looked down and saw the Crazy Scientist Guy, Borgin. He was jumping up and down, and at one point his head fell off again. He bent over, picked it up, and held it towards the sky.

"I told you they worked!"

"Thanks, Crazy Scientist Guy!" said Terrence as he flew by.

"I am not crazy!"

It was starting to rain somewhat. Slowly, more rain began to fall, until it was raining hard.

"Does this mean I have an advantage?" No. "Darn it…"

Visibility was really low. Looking down, he thought he saw a bunch of people running inside. _They're probably so stupid they think the rain'll make them melt,_ thought Terrence. He also saw a castle. He was over Falador. He looked around…

"Die!"

A fireball came pelting out from somewhere, and he barely managed to dodge it. He looked in the direction it came from, and saw…

"I'm gonna kill you, kid!" yelled Phoenix, charging directly at Terrence. Terrence moved to the right. Phoenix threw more fire blasts at him; one grazed his arm.

"Agh!" said Terrence. It was a small burn, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. "Hey, it's raining! How can you still throw fire at me?"

"Ha! This is magic, not real fire!" he said. He charged at Terrence, hitting him in the gut and knocking him down. He managed to catch himself before he fell too far, though. Phoenix began charging again…

Terrence retracted the wings, regaining use of his arms. He pulled out his sword, and slashed at Phoenix, cutting his left arm!

"Rgh…lucky shot!" Phoenix yelled.

Terrence just noticed he was falling, and he pulled his wings back out, catching himself again. But then he felt a crashing blow to his head, and he fell again, barely catching himself. His ears were ringing really loudly…

"Woah!" He barely managed to dodge some more fireballs. Hey! I just remembered I forgot to let you grab some runes before!

"Oh, you remember that now?" Terrence yelled. "Thanks a lot!" No problem! Terrence groaned.

He flew further upwards, and Phoenix gave chase. About a hundred feet higher up than they were before, Terrence retracted his wings, fell, and landed right on Phoenix's back.

"Hey, you're gonna kill us both!" yelled Phoenix. Terrence pulled out his sword, ready to finish this, but Phoenix was faster; he grabbed the sword and threw it down. It fell…fell…Terrence lost sight of it. Oh well…he began punching Phoenix in the right ear. Once, twice, thrice, fource, fice…

"There's no such thing as fource and fice!" Terrence yelled. Oh, sorry. He began punching Phoenix some more.

"See ya later, kid!" Phoenix rolled in midair, and Terrence lost his grip. He caught himself again with the crappy wings, and barely dodged a fire blast.

"Rrgh, why don't you just die?" yelled Phoenix angrily.

"Because I'm the hero, I can't die!" Terrence yelled. Darn, he figured it out… "Huh?" Oh, nothing. Terrence flew up and tried to punch Phoenix again, but, again, Phoenix was faster; he grabbed Terrence's fist, spun him around like a lasso, and threw him away.

_So dizzy…_ thought Terrence. His head was spinning…he couldn't even figure out which way up was anymore. Phoenix rushed at Terrence, who tried to land a punch, but Phoenix's superior strength gave him an advantage; he punched Terrence's fist hard, there was a loud cracking noise, and Terrence felt excruciating pain in his hand.

"AAAAGH!" Terrence screamed in agony. He was sure his hand was broken. But, due to plotholes, he was able to grip the wing, and keep himself aloft. He spun around, and was hit right in the jaw. It didn't break, thankfully, but it hurt like mad.

_How can I beat him?_ Thought Terrence, his mind racing. _He outmatches me in every way…_

Lightning struck nearby, causing them both to jump. Then suddenly, it clucked into place.

"Clucked?"

…Clunked. Clunked into place. Terrence managed to regain his sense of up, and began flying upwards as fast as he could.

"Running away?" yelled Phoenix. "Heh, got you scared, don't I?" He began to chase him upwards, throwing fireballs along the way.

"That's right…" Terrence said under his breath. "Keep following me…"

He looked back, and dodged fireballs that Phoenix was throwing at him. He looked back up, and continued flying. His arms were getting tired, but he couldn't stop… Then, he saw it. He saw some lightning begin to form in between some clouds…his ticket to victory. He flew upwards some more…

He then retracted his wings. Spread armed, he fell backwards, down, and rushed right by Phoenix.

"What the-?" Phoenix exclaimed. He stopped, turning downwards...

Here it comes… 

KRAKOOOOM!

Lightning struck again, this time striking Phoenix dead on. He was all lit up; it was like watching fireworks.

"Wait, what are fireworks?"

Uh…something from the future.

"Like my beeper?"

Precisely. Terrence looked up at Phoenix.

"Phoenix burgers, coming up!" he yelled at him.

Phoenix suddenly shot down in flames. He fell past Terrence, who watched him fall straight down, until he was out of sight. Terrence looked up…

_Oh sh-_

KRAKOOOOOM!

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He had been hit by lightning. Most people, like Phoenix, would die from being hit by lightning, but hey, he's the hero, he can't die. And besides, he still has a lot more adventures coming up, including Cerridwyn's fic. Crap, she's gonna kill me for saying her name in the middle of my fic…well life goes on. Back to the story…

"Ugh…"

_Man, my head hurts…_ thought Terrence. He didn't want to open his eyes…he just wanted to go back to sleep…

"Hello!"

Terrence sat bolt upright, and then clutched his head in pain. He shouldn't have gotten up so fast…

"I am Mayor-"

"Shortman, I know…" Terrence groaned. He didn't want to put up with that annoying voice right now…he looked around, and saw he was sitting in the middle of the ground in Falador, with people staring at him.

"Hey, isn't this the part where I wake up in some comfortable bed?"

"Well, you see," said Shortman. "Whenever someone is knocked out, we always leave them on the ground for everyone to see."

Terrence stared for a moment.

"…Who the heck made that stupid rule?"

"I did!" said Shortman proudly.

"…Why?"

Shortman cleared his throat.

"Anyway, come to my office. We have a matter of a reward to discuss." That lifted Terrence's spirits. He had succeeded in the mission, and he was about to be paid…he got up, but quickly fell down. He was too worn out to walk…

"Hey…HEY!" Terrence called. Shortman looked back, and realized the situation.

"Oh dear," he said. "You two-" He pointed at two White Knights. "-Help him to my office."

"Yes, sir!" Two White Knights in bulky armor picked Terrence up by the arms and helped him. Soon, they got to Shortman's office, and they sat him down.

"Now, like I said, I would reward you for beating Phoenix. And that I will. You managed to beat him, marvelous job by the way, your dad would've been proud. So, you get three thousand gold coins."

He grabbed a large sack from out of nowhere and put it on the table. Terrence looked at it with awe, reached out for it, and picked it up.

"Wow…" he said. "My first reward…being a mercenary rules!"

"You're welcome," Shortman said. "NURSE!"

A nurse instantly walked through the door, as if she had been there the entire time, waiting for him to yell "NURSE!"

"Yes, Mayor?"

"Take Terrence to the infirmary, and get him healed."

"Yes, sir."

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Terrence left Falador a few hours later. He never understood how eating shark healed people, but it did.

Borgin had come to visit. He had told Terrence he could keep the wings, because of his amazing job at using them. Terrence also had to talk his way out of being the guinea pig of an experiment involving robotic legs, fourteen pianos, and a shrew named Murphy.

All in all, it had been a great way to start off a career. He knew this way, he could be able to fulfill his dream of being as good as his dad someday. Shortman had complimented him, saying his dad would've been proud…Terrence wished his dad were here; he'd be able to tell him all about his mission.

"Being a mercenary rules!" Terrence said.

It may now…but things won't always be easy.

"Darn."

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Author's Note: Well, that's it! Terrence beat Phoenix, and has taken the first step on his journey. So, rate me 1 out of 10 for humor and/or the fight scene. I want to know if I did good or not.

Terrence: _You_ did good? _I_ was the one who had to fight Phoenix, and I got struck by lightning!

Quit whining. There'll be plenty to whine about later. Also, a side note: I may or may not change my name to Zeo Wolf. Anyway, read and review!

Terrence: How can non-existent readers review?

SHUT UP!


	6. The City of Sand, Sand, and More Sand

SSJ4 Aragorn: Well, I'm back with a new chapter!

Terrence: Am I still thirteen?

SSJ4: Nope! This takes place when you're fourteen.

Disclaimer: If you think I own anything, don't worry, medical help is on the way.

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Chapter IV: The City of Sand…Sand, and…uh…More Sand

After the Phoenix incident, Terrence Wolfblade began to get more calls for help. Maybe the Mayor of Falador had told people about him. So, he quickly gained money and experience. Using some of the money, he bought himself adamant chain mail. His hair had even grown a little longer, making it messier than before. But, some people (himself included) thought it made him look cool.

Sadly, he didn't always get cool jobs involving frying people and really loud noises.

"A little to the left!"

Terrence grumbled to himself as he moved the antenna. He was on the roof of a house, where they had recently bought a new, magically powered "television set," something that was made to provide entertainment.

"I'm a mercenary, not a repairman," he mumbled to himself. But, at least he was getting paid.

"Just a little more…" called the lady of the house. Terrence moved the antenna a little more to the left. "Perfect! No, wait, we lost signal. Move it to the right!"

Upon hearing this, Terrence was ready to just get up and leave, but he was getting paid, wasn't he? He moved the antenna.

"Perfect!"

Terrence held his breath, and then released it when she didn't say anything about losing the signal. He jumped down from the roof and met her at the door.

"Thanks for your help. My husband's really afraid of heights, so I couldn't ask him to go up there. Here you go."

She handed him 1000 GP.

"Thanks," said Terrence, grinning. He turned around and left.

It had been eleven months now since he fought Phoenix, and he had gotten a lot of jobs since then. Some of them had been stupid, while some of them were fun, in other words, ones where he got to fight something. But, none of them had been as challenging as Phoenix. He wanted a challenging mission, one involving monsters and evil guys.

He had almost given up hope until two days later in Varrock.

BEEPBEEP! BEEPBEEP!

"Huh?" He pulled out the beeper and read what it said.

AL-KHARID – SULTAN

"Al-Kharid…isn't that the desert city?"

Yep.

"Alright, then I'm going to the desert!"

He began to walk to eastern Varrock, then south. He went down through the…er…"secret" shortcut.

"It's not all that secret," said Terrence. "It's ju-"

QUIET!

"Okay okay! Fine, sheesh."

So, he continued south, past the scorpion mines. He saw a few idiot level 3 noobs trying to fight level 14 scorpions, probably because they thought they were higher level than the scorpions.

"STOoPID scROP!1!" one noob said as he died. Terrence sighed. He had to put up with the world's idiocy for almost a year now.

Soon, he reached Al Kharid, the city of sand…sand, and…uh…more sand.

"Wow, there's a lot to this city, huh?" said Terrence sarcastically.

You'd be surprised. Anyway, Terrence walked down to the bank and deposited his money for safekeeping. Then, he went down to what he figured was the palace.

"Hey, what the-?"

A guard suddenly jumped him, scimitar at the ready. Terrence barely managed to block it.

"Brother, I will help thee with this infidel!" said about three other guards in the room.

"Aw, crap," said Terrence aloud. He blocked all four scimitars as they came down on him. "Four on one? That's not fair. For you!" Terrence pushed back a guard and knocked him unconscious, then kicked a guard in the face, and punched the other guards. They were all on the floor before you could say "ouch" fifty-seven times.

Terrence stepped past the guards' unconscious forms. He walked past the large fountain in the middle of the room and entered the enormous double doors past them.

_"Either this sultan guy really likes fancy decorations, or he's extremely fat,"_ thought Terrence.

"Hello, who are you?"

Terrence jumped a little, expecting more guards. But, it wasn't. It was a man who looked like royalty, with a turban, beard, and robes.

"I'm Wolfblade," said Terrence. "Are you the Sultan?"

"Yes, that's me," the sultan said politely. "And I presume you are the mercenary?"

"Yep."

"Yes, good," said the sultan. "Follow me."

Terrence followed him to the throne room. The sultan sat down, and Terrence stayed standing.

"Now, we have recently had a problem with bandits," he told Terrence. "They have been raiding our city for the past month, taking our food, water, and sand."

"Sand?" said Terrence. "Why would they want sand?" he asked. "Your majesty?" he added hastily.

"I'm sure it is probably just something to prove the idiocy of the world."

_"Finally, someone who has a brain!"_ thought Terrence.

"Now," the sultan continued. "They are believed to hide out in the bandit camp a few miles south of here in the desert. I want you to defeat them and bring our food, water, and sand back. Especially the sand."

"Not to be rude, your majesty," said Terrence. "But why do you need the sand back? You guys seem to have a lot of it."

"Well, we are known as "The City of Sand…Sand, and…uh…More Sand," aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess so," said Terrence.

"Good," said the sultan, satisfied. "Now, you can't go to the desert in adamant chain mail. You'd be baked alive."

"It's the only armor I have, though. Your majesty," said Terrence. And surely enough, it was the only piece of armor he was wearing. Underneath, he had a blue sleeveless shirt with the little silver shoulder things on the sides, and he had blue pants and a blue cape.

"Yes, but it would bake you alive. Or give you really bad sunburn. And you don't want that, do you?"

Terrence thought of walking around with chain mail pattern burns on him.

"No, I don't."

"Exactly. Now, you must have had a long journey, and I'm sure you will need rest. Guards!"

To Terrence's horror, the four guards he had fought before entered.

"Young Wolfblade will eat with me tonight. Prepare a wonderful feast with much food and drink, and give young Wolfblade our most comfortable lodgings."

"Yes sir!" said the guards. One of them stepped up to Terrence.

"Forgive us for attacking you before, sir. We thought you were another intruder."

"It's fine," said Terrence. "You guys were doing your job."

Later that day, the guards led him and the sultan to the dining room, which had walls with gold trim, several pictures of the sultan and a boy and girl who, Terrence figured, must be the prince and princess or something. It also had a table that Terrence thought was ridiculously long; it probably took someone a few hours just to pass the salt.

"Sit, young Wolfblade," said the sultan, gesturing to a chair. Terrence sat down and looked at the several candles lining the table. The sultan sat down on the other side of the table.

"Can you hear me from over there?" called the sultan.

"Yeah!" yelled Terrence.

"Good!" the sultan replied. "I really think we need to get a smaller table!"

"I agree, your majesty!" Terrence yelled back.

A few minutes later, he saw two people enter, a boy and a girl. The boy looked older than Terrence, but the girl looked about his age.

"Wolfblade!" yelled the sultan. "Meet my son and daughter, Prince Ali and Princess Jasmine!"

"Hi, your highnesses!" called Terrence.

"Hello, traveler!" said Ali.

"Hi!" said Jasmine.

The food came out quickly. There was chicken, baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, lasagna, corn on the cob, turkey roast, biscuits, cake, ice cream, spaghetti, cheese pizza, pepperoni pizza, salmon, fish, steak, smoked sausage, bratwurst, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, hamburgers with cheese, cheeseburgers without cheese, and forty-five hundred loaves of garlic cheese bread.

"What, no fries?" asked Terrence happily. He grabbed a little of everything and ate. It was the most delicious food he had ever eaten.

"The food is delicious!" he called to the sultan.

"What?" the sultan yelled back.

"I said, the food is delicious, your majesty!"

"Good! I'm glad you like it!"

The guard he had spoken to earlier was behind Terrence. Terrence turned around.

"You said something about intruders? What did you mean?"

"Oh, well," said the guard. "Every day, we get infidels coming into the palace to kill our guards. I don't know why, though."

A few hours later, everyone in the palace was asleep, save a few guards.

"Save a few guards?" Terrence suddenly got up and drew his sword.

Not that kind of save, I mean they're awake and you're asleep!

"Oh…" He went back to bed.

Honestly, he's supposed to be the smart person in the story…

Anyway, at one point that night…

"Shh! We have to be quiet!"

"But boss, I-"

"QUIET!"

The noise woke Terrence up. He sat up on his bed, wondering what was going on. He got up and walked over to the window, and looked down. Under the window, he saw several people in the shadows, trying hard to be quiet.

BAM!

Some people came bursting through Terrence's door! He whipped around and saw four people, but he couldn't make out their features in the darkness. He drew his sword and pointed it at them.

"Are you those bandits?"

Not answering, the people suddenly charged at Terrence, wielding their deadly scimitars and pointing them at Terrence. Terrence jumped over them, and they stabbed their scimitars into the wall.

"Crap!" yelled one of them. They were all trying to pull their scimitars out, completely distracted. Terrence grabbed a small table and threw it at them, and they all fell over, knocked out. He then grabbed a match and lit the lamp.

"You guys?" yelled Terrence in shock. It was the four guards he had met earlier. One of them stood up and held up his hands.

"I'm sorry, sir!" he yelled. "We…we felt weak, having lost to you four on one, so we wanted revenge…"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

They each faced the door, and the previously unconscious guards woke up. Putting aside their differences, they charged outside, weapons drawn.

It was chaos. Everywhere there were guards fighting bandits. The bandits had bad teeth from what is looked like, and grizzled looks. Two of them attacked Terrence, who block their attacks and cut them down in a single stroke.

A large man came out of a door, holding…

"Princess Jasmine!" yelled several guards and Terrence at once.

"My daughter!"

The sultan came out of nowhere, and stood in front of the hulking man.

"Unhand my daughter at once!" he yelled. The man simply looked at him, and smacked him against a wall, knocking him out instantly.

"No!" yelled several guards. They charged at the man, and Terrence watched in horror as they all fell from the man's attack. He took a few steps forward…

"Hold it!" yelled Terrence, pointing his sword at the man. He felt like he was about to fight Phoenix again. The man turned around and looked at him. Not saying anything, he walked up to Terrence, and swung his gargantuan hand! Terrence jumped over it and swung his sword at the hand, but the man's skin was unnaturally tough; it barely took a scratch from the attack. He made an enormous fist and punched, this time hitting Terrence and sending him flying into a wall!

"Ow…" Terrence said as he got up. He saw the man running off, telling his men to retreat. Terrence chased the man, wanting to catch him before he escaped. He got to the front door…

They were gone. Suddenly, just like that, they had disappeared. Terrence looked around, expecting an ambush.

"Wolfblade!"

The sultan, who had woke up-

"Obviously," said Terrence.

Be quiet! Anyway, he ran up behind Terrence.

"Wolfblade, the bandits have kidnapped my daughter," he said, panting. "We must act quickly. Get dressed; I want you to find them now."

"Now?" asked Terrence. "But, it's the middle of the night!"

"Yes, but the southern desert is extremely hot in the daytime. If you leave now, you may have an advantage."

Terrence looked at the man, and then bowed.

"Alright, I'll do my best."

He walked back up to his room and grabbed his shirt. Putting it on, he realized he should've been on guard duty, too. But then again, he had no idea this would happen, and he had only been hired to find the bandits, not prepare for a midnight attack…he grabbed his cape and put it on, grabbed his armor, and picked up his adamant longsword from the corner.

"Now, before you enter the southern desert," said the man at the gate to the southern desert, "You'll need desert clothes to protect you from the hot sun."

Terrence didn't feel like saying that it was the middle of the night, and agreed. He put his chain mail in the nearby chest, and put on the desert clothing. Taking a deep breath, he walked into the desert.

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SSJ4: Well, that's it! I don't need a rating this time, unless you want to rate me, of course. And yes, I know Al-Kharid doesn't really have that kind of food…

Terrence: –3/10. I could've beaten that big guy with my hands behind my back!

SSJ4: Shaddap. Anyway, you may have noticed I PMed you all. If you want to get my updates as soon as possible, you should put this on your alert list. Then, I won't have to pester you all! MWAHAHAHAH! Ahem, anyway, read and review!


	7. N00b Hunting

SSJ4: New chapter! Boo-ya! Oh, and to the readers, there's an Easter egg in this chapter. Try to figure it out!

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything, so quit spreading rumors!

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Chapter V: N00b Hunting

_"It's freezing out here."_

Whatever the Sultan may have said about it being very hot out in the daytime, it was still freezing cold at night. Terrence checked his map to see if he was going the right way. Yep. Still south.

_"I haven't seen anything alive in hours," _he thought to himself. _"I wonder if…hey, what's that?"_

He stopped. He saw something lying out in the distance. A traveler? He was under a red robe…

Terrence ran up to the man. Maybe he could help Terrence find his way. Or maybe he was a bandit. But this was no time to be worried. He grabbed the robes, and turned it over.

He thought he'd throw up at the sight of what was under there.

He had just rolled over a body. Someone who had apparently lost his way and died. He had a crown on his head, and was dressed rather regally.

_"Looks like there's a scandal in a kingdom somewhere,"_ thought Terrence. He searched for anything he could use that the king had once owned, but he had nothing. The bandits must've found him a while ago.

Dearly hoping that wouldn't be him next, Terrence continued forward.

There wasn't much to do in a desert all by yourself. No one to talk to, no one there for you…wait, why did he even care? This was how things had been for almost a year and a half…he had gotten used to this. Why did he care now?

_"Maybe wandering through a desert in the middle of the night, all alone, and having just found a body, does that to you,"_ he thought. He shook off the feeling and pressed onward. You know, I'm starting to run out of ideas to prolong this experience.

"Then how about just moving on to the next part?" asked Terrence. "You know, where I find the bandits, kill them all, save the princess, and become a hero?"  
Er…no, that's not the next part.

"It isn't?"

Nope. It's not that simple.

"It's not?"

Nope. There's much more to this than you realize.

"Aw man…"

Hey, hey, HEY! You had been hoping for a challenging mission! This one is more challenging than the Phoenix mission, which was really short.

"Well, okay…"

He continued on, completely unsure of my intentions. Heeheehee…

"I don't like the sound of that laugh," said Terrence.

You shouldn't. So, ANYWAY….

"Help me!"

Terrence turned around quickly, and then his jaw dropped.

Behind him was a horrible sight.

A young boy, who was probably lost in this desert, was standing in one spot, terrified of what he saw in front of him, a scorpion that had to be at least three times bigger than any scorpion in the mines north of Al-Kharid.

"Get away!" yelled the boy. The scorpion crawled closer…

_"I can't just leave him to die…"_ thought Terrence. He drew his sword and rushed at the scorpion.

SLASH!

He slashed it, trying to get its attention. But, he did much better than that.

"BLARG, I AM DEAD!" yelled the scorpion. It fell to the ground and died.

"Hey, wait a minute," said Terrence. "Since when do scorpions talk?"

Don't ask.

"Yay!" said the boy. "You saved me! Thanks, mister!"

"Don't worry about it," said Terrence. He turned around.

"Wait!" the boy called. "Can you help me get home?"

Terrence wanted to tell him he could get home on his own, but he saw the boy again, and it reminded him of himself when his village was destroyed. He hadn't had anyone to help, and it was pure dumb luck that he survived…

"Sure. Just tell me which way to go."

The boy pointed out south, which was perfect; Terrence had been heading south anyway.

"So," Terrence said, "what's your name?"

"As'ad," said the boy. "What about you?"

"I'm Wolfblade."

Soon…

"There it is!" yelled As'ad, pointed at a village.

It was more than Terrence would've expected for a village down here. It was stone gray, but seemed reasonably well kept. The only problem was…

"LEIK I AM THE 1EE7N355!

…The n00bs.

Terrence followed As'ad to a small house, and entered.

"Mom?" called As'ad. "Dad?"

"Oh, As'ad!" a woman's voice said. "You're safe!"

A man and a woman, both with dark skin (from the sun, or naturally, Terrence wondered?) came out and hugged As'ad. The man looked at Terrence.

"Thank you, my friend," he said. "You will always be welcome in our home. If there is anything we can do for you, just ask. My name is Basil, and this is my wife, Farah."

"Terrence," Terrence told them. "Can you tell me the way to the Bandit Camp?"

The whole family gasped.

"Why are you heading there?" asked Basil.

"Well," Terrence hesitated. Should he tell them? "I'm trying to rescue someone."

"You will not be able to make it in," said Basil. "There is a spell over that camp, a spell making the village invisible and un-enterable to all except the bandits, and their leader."

"A spell?" asked Terrence. This would be harder than he thought.

"Yes," said Farah. "It is impossible to get there. Unless…" She looked as though she just thought of something.

"What?"

"Well, there is a shaman in our town," Farah told him. "He is very wise and powerful. Perhaps he could lift the spell."

"Take me to him," said Terrence.

Basil stepped forward.

"I will take you, my friend."

"Thanks."

Basil led him out of the house and onto the streets.

"So," he asked Terrence, "who are you trying to rescue? A loved one?"

"No…" said Terrence, "I was hired. By the sultan up north."

"The sultan!" said Basil, spitting on the ground. "He has oppressed our people, ignoring our pleas! He is a terrible ruler!"

"Hey, hey!" said Terrence. "What did he do?"

"We send people up north, asking for help," he said. "But he always turns us away, like we are filth!"

"Maybe it's all the n00bs?" suggested Terrence.

"…I will still help you, though," he said to Terrence. "I owe you that much."

_"Phew…"_ thought Terrence.

Someone went running by, screaming "W00T!" at the top of his lungs for no reason.

Basil led him into a tent. Inside smelled strongly like herbs, cheeseburgers, and a monkey named Roy. A man came out. He had a turban on his head, and he looked very old.

"Who's there?" he asked. Terrence noticed his eyes were milky white; he was blind.

"It is Basil, and my friend, Terrence," said Basil.

"Ah, Basil," said the shaman, smiling. "My old friend. What brings you here?"

Terrence spoke up.

"I am trying to get to the Bandit's Camp," Terrence said. "But Basil told me of a spell that makes it impossible to enter. I was hoping you could lift it for me."

The shaman stood there for a moment, and then grinned.

"I will, but only after you do something for me."

"Huh?" Terrence asked hesitantly. Not another sidetrack…

"No, don't worry," said the shaman, as though he had just read Terrence's mind. "It is necessary for all of us. I want you to get rid of these n00bs all over our town. They annoy the crap out of us."

Slowly, Terrence felt a grin on his face.

"No problem!" he said. He had been getting tired of n00bs, too.

"Now, go," said the shaman. "Return to me when they are all dead. They are too stupid to remember the way here from Lumbridge."

Terrence walked out, and looked around.

"Wait…" he asked, a thought coming to him. "How do I kill them? This isn't the wilderness…"

No problem!

And using my infinite, omnipotent author powers, I warped Terrence, and all the n00bs, to the wilderness.

"Wait," said Terrence. "If you have infinite power, why don't you just lift the-?"

SHUT UP!

"Okay, fine!" Terrence pulled out his sword.

"Time to kill me some n00bs."

He walked over to a n00b, a cut him in half.

"D00D!" yelled the n00b, right before he died.

The n00bs began killing each other, the savages. But, Terrence didn't want them to have all the fun. He walked over to two n00bs fighting, kicked them both, beheaded one, and stabbed the other through the gut.

"Man, this is the most fun I've had so far!" yelled Terrence enthusiastically.

"GTE THE LUZER!" yelled one n00b. Four n00bs (each about level 4) charged forward, screaming random things like "l33t" and w00t." Terrence dodged their blades, and put his hand forward.

"Wind Strike!"

A blast of wind came out of his hand, knocking the n00bs over and killing two of them (pathetic, isn't it?). Terrence ran forward, stomped one of them to death, uprooted a tree (don't ask how), and dropped it on the other n00b.

He looked out as the n00bs killed each other, until only one was left. The n00b saw Terrence, yelled "w00t!" and charged at him, apparently not noticing the difference between levels 23 and 4.

"u dy!1!" yelled the n00b. Terrence yawned, sidestepped the blow, and kicked the n00b, killing him.

Suddenly, everything went blurry…and Terrence was back in the desert village, with no n00bs in sight. He entered the shaman's tent.

"Done!" he told the shaman. "This place is now n00b-free."

The shaman grinned and laughed.

"That is wonderful news!" he said. "Because of this great and noble service, I will lift the spell on the Bandit Camp."

He began chanting and grunting, moving his hands around spectacularly. The room went dark for a moment, and suddenly a flame erupted in the middle of the room. It only lasted for a few seconds, and then the room was back to normal.

"Done," the shaman told Terrence.

"Okay, thanks!" Terrence said. "Hey, what was all the arm-waving for?"

"Oh that? That was simply to look impressive. The spell was lifted by the first arm movement."

"Oh…okay," said Terrence uncertainly.

"Good luck on your quest, my friend," said Basil.

"Thanks," said Terrence, leaving the tent. He walked out of the village, and into the desert. Then, he saw something.

"Hey, that wasn't there before, was it?"

He saw a place in the distance, not that far away. The Bandit Camp.

-------------------------------------------

SSJ4: Well, that's the chapter. I hope I made fun of characters enough to satisfy you guys for now.

Terrence: You probably just offended every RuneScape player in the world with that stunt.

SSJ4: I doubt it. So, readers, did you spot the Easter egg? If you think you did, tell me!


	8. An Unlikely Task

SSJ4: I'm not dead! So quit spreading stupid rumors, numbnuts!

Terrence:…

SSJ4:…Right. Well, anyway, this chapter is going to have something no one expected. No one _at all._

Terrence: I don't like the sound of this…

SSJ4: Mwahahahahahah!

Chapter VI: An Unlikely Task

Disclaimer: I own j00.

---------------------

Terrence walked through the sand to the bandit camp. He was pretty close, and getting closer. His heart rate was at 85 beats a minute, and he walked perfectly straight. Each step put 187 pounds of weight onto the ground…

"THEY GET IT!" yelled Terrence. "QUIT BEING SCIENTIFICAL!"

HEY! It was the only way to drag it out.

Terrence mumbled something that sounded like "bullshlocky" and kept walking.

Soon, he was right in front of the bandit camp. He looked into it. It was well guarded inside, but he figured he could make it. He walked…

Straight into an invisible wall.

"Ow!" Terrence exclaimed, rubbing his nose. "What the heck? I thought the shaman lifted the spell!"

He did.

"Then how come I can't get in?"

Because.

"Why?"

Because.

"Will you stop that?"

Hmph! Maybe now I won't tell you why!

"But I-"

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

Automated Message: We're sorry. The author is not currently available at this time. This may be because he is busy, or he deleted the story, or he is doing this for the sole purpose of annoying his character and the readers. For now, you may watch this random, stupid commercial.

The Internet turns back on. But, instead of Terrence, you can see a cardboard background of a farm. A hick with two teeth and overalls walks in. He looks crazed.

"HOWDY THERE, FOLKS!" he yells at the top of his lungs. "COME DOWN TO BOB'S BACON BARN! WHERE WE BAKE THE BACON FOR YOU!"

The screen switches to him with a pan over a stove, stomping a foot up and down with a LOT of exaggeration.

"YEEE-HAWW!" he screams.

The Internet turns off again.

Automated Message: We're sorry that you had to see that disturbing commercial. SSJ4 Enterprises is not responsible for any emotional scars caused by that message. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties.

Elevator music starts up.

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Okay, that's boring now, isn't it?

Automated Message: We're sorry for forcing you to listen to that horribly boring music. Please Stand By.

A large screen with the words "PLEASE STAND BY" pops up.

Twelve hours later, it goes down.

Automated Message: We are pleased to inform you that our author has finally decided to continue the story. To read the story, press 1. To date me, the automated message, press 2.

You then push 1.

Automated Message: You have just pushed 1. I KNOW WHEN I'M NOT WANTED!

…

I walk out on the stage.

"Hey, everybody!" I say. "Sorry about that overly long and pointless intermission. And now, back to the story. What? We've run out of room? Uh…" I look out to see murderous stares from my readers. "Heheh…why do you have that staff out? And what's with the sword? Uh…I'M OUTTA HERE!" I run for my life.

New Automated Message: We're sorry. This chapter cannot be continued. We will bring you the full chapter on a later broadcast. Goodbye.


	9. An Unlikely Task: Take Two

Terrence: 'whistles'

SSJ4: 'walks in scorched black'

Terrence: What the-? What happened to you?

SSJ4: Well, my last chapter really angered a lot of people. Someone shot some fire spell at me that's supposed to kill in one hit, but since I'm the author, I can't die. I just got burnt to a crisp.

Terrence: You look like that guy in the Port Sarim bar.

Scorched guy: U SUXXORS! U- 'runs into a wall'

Terrence: Right…

Chapter VII: An Unlikely Task: Take Two

Disclaimer: 'dies'

--------------------------

"Huh?"

Terrence looked around, noticing he was back in front of the bandit camp. He put his hand on his chest to see if he was dreaming. After determining he was actually there, he sighed.

"Well, that was a complete waste of time," Terrence said angrily, crossing his arms.

Sorry. Won't happen again.

"So," Terrence said, looking up, "are you going to tell me what I need to do to get in?"

Well, look inside for a moment.

Terrence turned his head towards the bandit camp. No one had seen him…yet.

"There are loads of bandits in there," he said. "So?"

Rule number 1 of war: Superior numbers win battles.

"What, so I have to make an army?"

Bingo!

"Okay, no problem," Terrence said. "I'll find some good warriors, and-"

Whoa there! You think you need skilled warriors?

"Well," Terrence said, "yeah, duh."

Nope. You need a big army. A _really_ big army. Of only one thing.

"Okay…" Terrence said, "and you mean…?"

Then, it hit Terrence. His heart sunk and his stomach plummeted. There was only one thing in Runescape that was of such high numbers.

"…N00bs?"

Right you are!

"But I just finished killing n00bs!" Terrence said. "Now I need them to win a war?"

Yep.

"I can't believe this…"

Hey, it won't be that hard. Seriously. You should know better than anyone that this world is filled with them.

"That's true…but where am I gonna find enough to take these guys down?"

There's only one place. Can you figure it out?

_One place…_ Terrence thought. _That's easy._

"Lumbridge."

BINGO!

Terrence heard someone snap his fingers, and he was warped to another area. Lumbridge. It was filled with people, mainly low level, and Terrence had to squeeze his way through to an open area.

"Okay," Terrence said. "I'm gonna kill some bandits! Who's with me?"

He looked around hopefully, but no one even stirred.

"Er…let me rephrase that…" he said, thinking. "Gonna own some losers and I need an army!"

Still nothing, except one level 4 person walking by him and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "N00b."

"What am I doing wrong?"

You have to speak their language.

"What?"

You heard me.

Terrence looked forward. He took a deep breath…

"LIKE GNNA PWN SUM BDANITZ!11 COM WIT ME NLSS UR A NUB!"

He stopped. _I'm never doing that again,_ he thought. Then, he noticed something. He heard a low rumbling in the distance. It was very faint.

"What's that?" Terrence asked.

Wait for it…

The rumbling got louder.

"Seriously, what is it?"

Wait for it…

The rumbling was now deafening. The ground shook.

"But wha-?"

There we go!

Suddenly, tons of people stampeded into Lumbridge, heading straight for Terrence!

"Ah!" Terrence held up his arms…

But nothing happened. He looked around and noticed the strange emptiness of the town. He looked behind, and gasped.

Hundreds of thousands of people were right behind Terrence, ready for battle and randomly shouting "W00t!"

"Whoa…" he said, dumbstruck. "It worked."

Course it did.

"How many are there?" Terrence asked in awe.

136,481. I counted. This is half the n00b population of the world.

"Way more that enough to take out those bandits, despite their levels," Terrence said. He heard a finger snapping, and he was back outside the bandit camp, the n00bs with him.

"KL TEM AL!" Terrence shouted. The n00bs stampeded into the camp, swords drawn. Terrence went to follow them…

Hold it!

"What now?" Terrence asked, agitated.

Let them handle the bandits. You just need to sneak to that big building over there.

"Oh, okay," Terrence said. He climbed a nearby building. Don't ask why there were buildings in the camp. There just were. He looked at the ground.

"How many are there?" a bandit screamed.

"Too many!" another one yelled.

Terrence watched as the n00bs attacked. They were dying by the hundreds, but for every hundred killed, a few bandits fell as well.

The perfect plan.

Terrence jumped to the next building, making his way towards the large building.

"Hey!" someone yelled. Terrence looked to his right and saw three bandits, scimitars drawn.

"Wanna fight me?" Terrence said, drawing his own sword. "Then fight me."

The bandits charged at him. One of them swung his scimitar down, but Terrence blocked it and slashed the bandit's stomach. Another one attacked from the side, but Terrence ducked, and the bandit rolled over him. Terrence stomped the bandit's face. The remaining bandit backed off, now scared out of his wits. Terrence reached into his rune pouch and pulled out 2 Earth Runes, an Air Rune, and a Mind Rune.

"Earth Strike!" he yelled out. He pointed his hands at the bandit, and a brown bolt flew out of his hands, striking the bandit and knocking him off the building. In the carnage on the ground, no one even noticed him.

All that happened in about five seconds. Terrence looted the bandit's bodies, and then continued on. He jumped to the next building, and hazarded a look at the ground.

The ground was covered in dead bodies, mostly n00bs, but there were still thousands of n00bs fighting the hundreds of bandits. Terrence noticed a lot of bandit bodies on the ground as well. There was no sign of the big guy he had fought before. He was probably in the big building gloating to a bored princess about his plan. He may even have been unaware of the massacre going on outside.

Terrence reached a building close to the large building. He saw two bandits outside, keeping a lookout.

Not for long.

Terrence jumped down behind them and cut them down easily before they had a chance to scream. No bandit involved in the brutal fighting even noticed him.

-------------------

"Stupid-! How could this happen?"

"I don't know, sir."

"Someone must've let those n00bs in! There's no way they would've organized themselves like this!"

"Er, all due respect, sir, but do you really call n00bs slamming headfirst into building walls on their way in organized?"

"Shut up!"

Terrence quietly looked inside to see this scene. The big bandit was standing up, furious, and a terrified bandit stood next to him, shaking.

_No sign of the princess…_ Terrence thought. _Okay, I'll force her location out of them._

He stepped into the building, revealing himself. The big guy and his lackey looked over to him, and the big guy grinned.

"Look," he said, a malicious look in his eye. "One of them wandered into the building."

"I'm no n00b!" Terrence yelled. He drew his sword and pointed it at the big guy, who considered him for a moment.

"I remember you," he said. "You're one of the soldiers I beat down yesterday."

"I'm a mercenary," Terrence said, "sent to get the princess and get rid of you. So where is she?"

The bandit drew his scimitar, attempting to not draw attention to himself. The big guy laughed.

"You think I'm just gonna tell you?" he said. He got on his knees. "'Oh, no, don't hurt me, Mr. Mercenary!' Haha!"

Terrence was now officially ticked off. The bandit lunged, but Terrence killed him easily with a quick movement of his blade. The big guy stopped laughing.

"You dare kill my men in front of me?" he said, his voice rising. "Fine, if you want to die, I'll kill you!"

He ran towards Terrence full speed, lifting up his fist and bringing it down! Terrence jumped out of the way, and the fist smashed into the ground. He pulled it up and charged again.

"It's not that hard to get his fist in the ground," Terrence said, "considering that the ground is made of sand."

Shaddap.

"RRRRGH!"

The hulking man charged at Terrence like a rhino, nearly impaling him on his horns.

"He doesn't have horns! He's not a rhino!" Terrence yelled, dodging the charge.

Oh, right. Anyway, the man's head smashed into the wall, leaving a hole where it smashed. The man tried to pull himself out, but he was stuck!

"Perfect!" Terrence said. He pulled out some runes. "Earth Strike!"

The brown bolt flew towards the man, hitting him, but the man didn't scream. He smashed up the wall around him, breaking himself free.

"Magic isn't gonna work on me, kid," he said. He charged again, fist raised!

"I'm not a kid!" Terrence yelled angrily. He jumped out of the way, and the man punched the wall behind Terrence, leaving another enormous hole.

Then, Terrence had an idea.

"Hey!" Terrence yelled, running towards another wall. "Over here, you big ape!"

The man turned to look at him, enraged.

"DON'T CALL ME AN APE!"

He charged again, punching where Terrence was a split second before and smashing the wall again.

That did it. The building's roof began to rumble, and then came down!

"Whoa!" Terrence ran out one of the broken walls. The bug guy noticed what was happening too late.

"Aaaaah!"

Terrence turned around and watched the building fall onto the man. It hit the ground with a resounding "CRASH!" and dust flew everywhere, covering the camp. Terrence coughed and struggled to see what was happening. The dust slowly began to clear, enough for Terrence to see.

He looked at the battle. Or what had been the battle. Bandits and n00bs lay everywhere. Terrence couldn't see a single living thing.

He had won.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Man, that mission was _awesome!_" he yelled, shooting his fist into the air.

CRACK!

Terrence jumped and looked towards the demolished building. The rubble was shifting, and Terrence, horrified, realized what was happening.

A large fist smashed through the rubble, scattering it around. The hulking man climbed out of it, looking even more enraged than before. He was covered in dirt, and he had cuts and bruises all over.

"You're dead," he said quietly. He charged at Terrence, who was so stunned he didn't even have time to dodge the ham-sized fist swinging at him. He felt it slam into him, and he went flying. He fell onto the sand, rolling several times before finally stopping.

_Lucky the sand is so soft,_ Terrence thought, getting up and groaning. That had really hurt.

He looked up to see the man charging at him again. He ran to the right, and the man went running past him and out of the camp. Terrence chased after the hulking man.

----------------------

The man stopped running. Terrence did as well. They were out of the bandit camp, and Terrence took in the area.

"Hmm," he said. "Giant pillar right next to concrete that the author probably placed there to give me an advantage? This gives me an idea."

The man turned around and charged, fist at the ready. Terrence dodged to the side again. He ran towards the pillar, stopped next to it, and turned around.

"Over here, you big palooka!"

"I AM NOT A PALOOKA!"

The man charged again. Terrence jumped backwards, and the fist slammed into the ground.

He got stuck in the concrete. He pulled hard, but his fist wouldn't come up.

Terrence ran next to the pillar.

"Coming down!" he yelled. He stuck his sword into the pillar, breaking the stone on the bottom. The pillar started to fall towards Terrence and the big man! Terrence ran, and the pillar slammed the big man in the back.

"That had to hurt," Terrence said.

No, duh.

The big man finally collapsed. For real this time. He tried to lift up the pillar, but couldn't move.

"Ow, my back," he said, "I can't move."

Terrence walked towards him and pointed his sword at the big man's forehead.

"Okay, where is she?"

"I can't tell you," the man said. To Terrence's surprise, he sounded scared. "He'll kill me…"

"_I'll_ kill you," Terrence said, raising his sword.

"No, please!" the big man pleaded. "Okay, okay. My boss…he's a sorcerer. He kidnapped the princess because he needed to sacrifice a virgin to Zamorak to gain ultimate power!"

"Virgin sacrifice to a god?" Terrence said. "That is the most cliché thing invented."

I know.

"Where are they?" Terrence asked the man.

"The only way to get there," the man said, "is through a magic portal. It's in the desert, but you'd never make it in time without dying of thirst. There's a gem in that demolished building. It opens up the portal."

"Thanks," Terrence said, putting away his sword. He began to walk back to the bandit camp.

"And…"

Terrence turned around, looking at the man.

"Please kill him," said the man. "I'd rather die out here than face his wrath."

--------------------------

Terrence walked back to the demolished building, the big man's final words ringing in his ears.

_I'd rather die out here than face his wrath._

How bad could this sorcerer be if one would rather die a slow and painful death trapped under a pillar than face him?

Terrence reached the building. He walked into the remains, and found a large, pinkish gem on the ground. He picked it up, and it began to glow.

"What the-?"

The gem floated into the air, and a pink portal opened up in front of Terrence.

"How'd that happen?" he asked.

You may never know.

Terrence took a deep breath and entered the portal.

----------------------------------------

SSJ4: Well, that's my update! Sorry it took so long to update.

Terrence: You have no readers anymore, I'll bet.

SSJ4: Oh, shut up.


	10. Hooray for cliché!

Author's Note: Well, as I have almost no school left, and pretty much nothing to do right now, I'll update the story.

Terrence: So, basically you're doing this out of boredom?

SSJ4: Well, sort of.

Terrence: This probably won't end well, right?

SSJ4: You'll see.

Disclaimer: I own all characters shown thus far, but not RuneScape, so QUIT CALLING ME!

Chapter VIII: Hooray for cliché!

----------------------------------------

Terrence stepped out of the bright pink of the portal into sand again. A wave of heat hit him, but his desert clothes protected him.

"That was more pink than I've seen before at one time," Terrence said to himself.

Oh, you'll see more eventually.

Terrence looked forward, shielding his eyes from the sun. In the distance, he saw what looked like several large stones sticking upward around a large, circular stone. An altar. He walked towards it, and heard a voice.

"Now, the time has come!" the voice yelled out for all to hear. Well, all in the sense that he thought he was the only person within 200 miles of anywhere. "The time has come for I, the sorcerer Zalhoreon, to sacrifice the virgin to Zamorak, and gain ultimate power!"

Terrence then heard another, younger voice. A female.

"That's the biggest cliché in the history of clichés!" she cried out. Terrence figured she was princess Jasmine.

"Shut up!" yelled Zalhoreon. "It may be cliché, but it still works! My great uncle Ralph told me he gained ultimate power!"

"If he did, then how come he never took over the world?" princess Jasmine asked.

Silence for a moment, then…

"I said shut up!" yelled Zalhoreon.

"And who says I'm a virgin?"

Silence again. Terrence listened intently.

"…Your father would never let anything like that happen!"

"He wouldn't know!"

"Darn it!"

Terrence couldn't help but snigger at this. He drew his sword. He was now right next to the altar, behind one of the stones. He stepped out from behind it, and took in the scene.

Zalhoreon stood on top of one of the tall stones. He looked somewhere between fifty and sixty, but was not frail in the slightest. He had long, black, graying hair tied back in a ponytail, a goatee, and he wore a dark black cloak over his body.

The princess was tied up on the circular stone. Two heavily armored guards stood next to the circular stone, holding axes and trying to look mean.

"Hey!" he yelled. The sorcerer looked at him.

"You!" he said. "Who are you?"

"Name's Wolfblade," Terrence said. "I'm here to stop you!"

"Pah!" the sorcerer said. "No kid will stop me! Guards! Attack!"

Two guards ran towards him, axes drawn. They swung their axes at his head, but he ducked. He pulled out a few runes, deciding to use their armor against them.

"Earth Strike!"

He shot two brown bolts at the guards, who turned around, screamed like little girls, and ran off.

"Curse you, Wolfblade!" the sorcerer said. Ignoring this, Terrence ran towards the altar, brought his sword up, and cut the ropes binding princess Jasmine. She sat up, jumped off of the altar, and hugged Terrence.

"You saved me!" she said. "Thank you!"

"No time," Terrence said, pulling her off, but feeling himself blush. "Run!"

She turned around and ran, and Zalhoreon's voice rang out.

"Oh no, you don't!" he yelled. He put his hands towards the entrance. Jasmine got out of the altar, and Terrence saw something. An invisible barrier shined as it appeared around the altar, barely missing Jasmine.

"DANG IT!" Zalhoreon yelled. "You may have foiled my plans, but I'll take your life as a consolation!"

He looked down and folded his hands. He then began chanting something that Terrence couldn't make out. Lights began to shine around Zalhoreon…

BOOM!

The sand suddenly exploded! A giant serpent's head popped out of it, then another, then another! Three serpent heads held themselves upwards at towering heights, and looked at Zalhoreon.

"Destroy him!" he yelled, pointed at Terrence. The heads looked at Terrence hungrily.

"Aw crud," Terrence said. He jumped onto the circular stone altar, and held up his sword.

A serpent dived towards him, mouth open. Terrence jumped back, and the serpent missed him by inches. Terrence swung his sword at it, but the blade didn't cut through the serpent's skin. Another serpent dived, and Terrence dodged it as well. Then, he tried a different approach.

"Earth Strike!" he yelled, pointing his hand at the serpent's head. A bolt flew at the serpent, and connected, but left no signs of damage. The head didn't even flinch.

"Dang it!" Terrence yelled out. Zalhoreon cackled with glee. Terrence continued to dodge the heads as they dived at him. Then, an idea struck him.

Another head dived, and he jumped back. Then, he jumped at the head, landing on top of it! He grabbed onto it, and the serpent began to flail its head all over, trying to throw Terrence off. He eventually did, but Terrence used it to his advantage, landing on top of one of the stone towers.

"Now what?" he asked, trying to think. The serpent head lunged towards him. Terrence dodged, but the serpent's teeth grazed Terrence's leg.

"Agh!" he cried out, landing on the ground. He looked at his leg; it was bleeding freely. But he couldn't let it stop him. He jumped to the next tower, landing on it unsteadily.

One of the serpents opened its mouth, and began to breathe tons of sand at Terrence! He fought to keep his balance, stumbling from the gust and all the sand hitting him. He grabbed onto the tower for support, holding on tight. Looking up, he saw another serpent dive at him, and he got up quickly, running out of the way and jumping to the next tower. Its head smashed headlong into the tower, destroying it and sending it crumbling and crashing into the ground.

When the sand cleared, Terrence noticed the serpent was lying on the ground, dazed.

_One down,_ Terrence thought, breathing heavily. He heard strange chanting again, and saw lights surround the serpent. It shook its head, and got up despite the injury from the impact. Then, it hit Terrence.

_Zalhoreon is controlling these things!_ He thought. _They're just puppets. Maybe…_

He looked towards Zalhoreon, who held his hands up towards the serpents. He was only one tower away. Terrence jumped to the next tower, not noticing the serpent he just dodged. He drew his sword…

But Zalhoreon pulled back his cloak, drew a sword, and blocked Terrence's attack.

"What?" Terrence said. "You're a swordsman _and_ a sorcerer?"

"That's right!" Zalhoreon said. He swung his sword, and Terrence blocked it. Despite his old age, Zalhoreon was much stronger than Terrence both physically and magically.

Zalhoreon swept his leg, tripping Terrence and knocking him to his hands and knees. He then karate-chopped Terrence in the back.

"Oof!" Terrence cried out, falling flat on his face. Groaning, he slowly stood up, and noticed that Zalhoreon had jumped to the next tower.

"ROAR!"

Terrence looked to his left, yelped, and jumped out of the way of another serpent trying to eat him. He turned around, pointed his sword at the serpent, and shoved it into its eye.

"RAAAAAAARGH!"

The beast roared in pain, lifted its head up, and flailed around madly. Terrence looked at Zalhoreon; all his attention was focused on getting the serpent back under control.

_Now's my chance!_ Terrence thought. He jumped over to the next tower, landed awkwardly on his injured leg, reared his other leg back, and kicked the distracted Zalhoreon in the leg before he was able to react.

"Agh!" he yelled clutching his leg. "Stupid brat!"

Terrence looked towards the serpents. One had fallen down unconscious, one was still flailing, and the other was perfectly fine.

"Over here!" Terrence yelled as loud as he could. The two conscious serpents looked in his direction, opened their mouths hungrily, and lunged at both Terrence and Zalhoreon.

"Whoa!" Terrence said, running out of the way as fast as his good left leg and injured right leg could carry him. He jumped to the next tower and looked back. One of the serpents had crashed directly into the tower, knocking it down. The serpent was unconscious, and Zalhoreon was nowhere to be seen.

"Okay, now to get rid of the last serpent," Terrence said, facing it. It went back underground. Was it retreating?

It burst out of the sand next to the tower that Terrence was standing on. Terrence pointed his Adamant Sword at it, and it lunged, mouth open. Terrence jumped back, dodging it, and swung his sword, trying, and failing, to faze the monster. It opened its mouth, shooting tons of sand at Terrence as he jumped to the next tower. The serpent moved its head in Terrence's direction, and he turned to jump to the next tower.

The next tower was one that had been knocked down.

"Crap!" Terrence yelled as the sand breath hit him. It was blowing hard, pushing him towards the edge of the tower, scratching him up, and obscuring his vision at the same time.

"Aaaah!"

Terrence heard the yell behind him. He turned around and felt a sharp pain in his left arm. He cried out in pain and looked at his arm; someone had just stabbed it through. That someone pulled the sword out and aimed a swing at Terrence's head, but Terrence blocked it and came face to face with a very angry Zalhoreon.

"You are really starting to anger me, brat!" he said through gritted teeth. He swung his sword again, and Terrence dodged out of the way. The sand began to clear, and Terrence didn't have to fight against the sand anymore. Now, he was just cornered on the edge of a tower.

"You know that feeling you get when you're caught in between the edge of a tower, a serpent, and a really ticked off sorcerer wielding a blade?" Terrence asked.

Yeah, why?

"That's how I'm starting to feel right now."

Terrence blocked another attack from Zalhoreon, and kicked him in the stomach.

"You die now!" Zalhoreon raged. The serpent, now free of Zalhoreon's control, lunged at him, and Zalhoreon jumped to the next tower. He threw a murderous look at the serpent.

"You're making me angry," he said with forced calm. "And you aren't going to like me when I'm angry."

He began to grow in size, roaring in anger. He got taller and larger at the same time, and began to turn green.

"What the-?" Terrence yelled, horrified by what he was seeing. Zalhoreon jumped off of the tower, and continued growing, becoming as large as the serpent. His clothes, except for a pair of spotted boxer shorts, were ripped to shreds.

"It's…it's…" Terrence said, lost for words.

"THE AMAZING GREEN GUY!" Zalhoreon boomed with a deep voice. His first order of business was to grab the serpent by its overlong neck and rip its head off. He tossed the head away, and looked at Terrence.

"GREEN GUY HATE LITTLE MAN!" he yelled, pulling up his fist. Terrence jumped out of the way, and Green Guy's fist smashed the tower to pieces. He began to smash the rest of the towers, trying to hit Terrence, until Terrence found himself cornered on one remaining tower. Green Guy's eyes flashed menacingly.

"GREEN GUY SMASH!" he yelled gleefully. He looked like a little child about to crush a sand castle, except he wasn't little and the sand castle was Terrence.

"Crap!" Terrence yelled again. There were no more towers to jump to. The fist came crashing down…

And Terrence jumped on top of it! He ran up Green Guy's arm, sword drawn.

"HEY!" Green Guy boomed. "WHAT LITTLE MAN DOING?"

"This!" Terrence yelled, stabbing Green Guy in the eye.

"RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!" Green Guy yelled in pain, clutched his eye, and stumbled backward and forwards, wobbling around dangerously.

"Yipe!" Terrence yelled, jumping off of Green Guy into the sand. Green Guy fell backwards and landed on his back. Terrence watched as Green Guy began to shrink and turn his normal color. He got smaller and smaller, until he was back to normal. Except for one thing…

"Eeek!"

Terrence looked to the edge of the altar to see Princess Jasmine. She had been watching the fight the entire time from outside the magic barrier, but now she had her hands over her eyes. Terrence looked back at Zalhoreon and saw why.

He was wearing nothing but a pair of spotted boxer shorts.

"Ah!" He covered himself up and went red. Terrence couldn't help it; he fell to the ground, laughing hard.

Zalhoreon ran out of the altar into the desert, screaming, swearing, and swearing absolute revenge on Terrence. You know, the usual. Terrence struggled to his feet, hardly able to breathe from laughing, and limped towards Jasmine.

"You saved me!" she squealed, running at top speed and colliding with Terrence, knocking the wind out of him and nearly knocking him over. "Oh, thank you thank you thank you!"

"Princess!"

Terrence looked to see several of the sultan's guards running to the altar. They grabbed the Princess.

"Thank goodness you're alive!" said one of the guards.

"It's all thanks to him!" Jasmine said, pointing at Terrence. Terrence smiled weakly, trying to catch his breath. One guard turned towards him.

"Thank you," he said. "I believe the sultan will want to see you."

------------------------

"Young Wolfblade," said the sultan. "For amazing courage in the face of battle, for rescuing my daughter, and for defeating the bandits, I give you my greatest thanks, and your reward."

He handed Terrence an enormous bag of money. It was so big that Terrence could hardly lift it.

"Thanks, your Highness," Terrence said. "Oh, by the way, on my way to the bandit camp, I went to a poor town. They said that they've sent pleas here, but you never answered."

"You mean that town with all the n00bs?" the sultan asked him.

"Yeah, that one," Terrence said. "But, the n00bs are all dead now. I had to kill them to continue on."

The sultan smiled.

"That is excellent news!" he said. "Tomorrow we will send some of our guards down there to see what they need.

"You may rest here for the night, Wolfblade," the sultan said. "After that battle, you'll need to recover. And tonight, we celebrate!"

------------------------

Later that evening, the people of Al-Kharid threw a massive party all over the town. It was so massive that four buildings were knocked over, a cart was looted, and sixteen people stood on top of a building yelling "1337!" for no apparent reason. They were promptly killed.

Terrence sat at the overlong table in the palace during the party, watching everyone dance. The sultan came over to him.

"You told me that Zalhoreon escaped?" he asked.

"Yeah," Terrence said, nodding. "He was in charge of all the bandits."

"He is extremely dangerous," the sultan said. "I have a request to ask of you. If you ever meet him again, get rid of him once and for all. There's no telling what else he may do. This isn't an assignment. You don't have to search for him. But, if you happen to come across him, I ask you to get rid of him once and for all."

Terrence nodded. "I'll do that."

The sultan stood up. "Thank you again, young Wolfblade. Your father would've been very proud of you."

He walked away, leaving Terrence to his thoughts. But, Terrence was promptly interrupted again, this time by Jasmine.

"Come on!" she said, grabbing his hand and trying to get him to stand up. "Don't be such a party pooper! Let's dance!"

Terrence thought for a moment, than stood up.

"Yeah, alright," he said, grinning.

--------------------------------

Author's Note: Well, there you have it. Zalhoreon beaten, and Terrence finishes his second big job. And he even has an admirer now.

Terrence: Is that gonna play a big part in later chapters?

SSJ4: Probably not. Oh, to my readers: I'm thinking of changing this story's title to "Wolfblade: A Mercenary Story" or something along those lines. Should I? Or should I keep the current title? REVIEW NAO OR YOU DIE! MWAHAHAAHAH!ahem Right.


	11. Out to Sea, W00t

Author's note: zomg leik update :O

Terrence: Wow, an update. I'm stunned.

SSJ4: Again, out of boredom (and an attempt to take the initiative to write), another chapter! I originally planned a different arc for this chapter, but I think I'll mix it up a little bit. Hopefully I can pull it off. --

Terrence: You know why I'm surprised? Because even though you took so long to update originally, you're _still_ getting reviews.

SSJ4: I know what you mean. Oh, and by the way, I've changed my name! Sort of. I'm now simply known as "SSJ4." No Aragorn. But, feel free to call me either one if you want to.

Disclaimer: I own ALL THAT YOU SEE! **_promptly shot_**

Terrence: Wow, this "Big Frickin' Gun" of yours rules. Can I use this in the story?

SSJ4: NO!

**Chapter IX: Out to Sea. W00t.**

So, the badguy was pwned, and Terrence won. THE END!

"What the heck kind of chapter was that?"

Oh, sorry.

Well, it had been about six months since Terrence's fight with Zalhoreon, and his reputation as a mercenary had been bolstered tremendously. Somehow he had managed to drag the sultan's extremely heavy bag of money to the bank to deposit it.

He had also been learning how to cook and fish. He was first stuck with bear meat, but made his way up to rat meat pie (yum yum) and pizza. And he had also learned how to fish for tuna and lobster, cooking some for himself and selling others and making a profit from it. At this point, he had in his account about 100,000 gold pieces.

Terrence was now fifteen years old, still one of the youngest mercenaries in the world, and because of that, he was widely regarded as a fighting prodigy. He was called for more difficult missions now, often fighting against serial killers and thieves.

All in all, life was good.

---------------

"Let's see," Terrence said to himself. He sat in the Port Sarim bar with his feet on the table. The bartender had finally gotten rid of that horrible dog barking on the jukebox and replaced it with real music. "If I want to build a house, I'm gonna need a lot more money. Dang it." He closed the catalogue, took his feet off of the table, and took a drink of his beer. He had been staying at a room in Falador Castle (the mayor, mysteriously still in charge of Falador since the king had never returned, had given him room as a thank-you for defeating a notorious killer), but he really wanted a house of his own. He was tired of paying rent.

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

Terrence pulled out his beeper and looked at who was beeping him. There was no name, but there were directions. According to the directions, he was wanted at a place a little north of Lumbridge. He stood up, paid the bartender a tip, and left.

---------------

"Whaddya mean, the path is blocked?"

Terrence and several other people stood east of Draynor Village to find a blocked pathway.

"Yep!" said a man. "A random rockslide occurred just two minutes ago, meaning there's no way to get across!"

_Two minutes ago?_ Terrence thought. _That's around the time I was beeped…_

It then occurred to Terrence that this was all a plot I had constructed to make things difficult for him. Mwahahahahahaha. He turned and went back to Draynor, hoping to find another path. Then he…he…he found one! Not so fast!

Terrence heard something. A noise that sounded like something falling. He also noticed the shadow around him getting bigger. He looked up, and ran out of the way.

Out of absolutely nowhere, tons of random items (rocks, people, horses, fire hydrants, The Buddha) fell in front of him, blocking the path. A man sprouted out of the ground.

"The path is blocked!" he said in a pompous voice.

"Yeah, no crap, Sherlock," Terrence said, annoyed. "How do I get around?"

"The only way around is by sea!" said the man. "You'll need to take a ship from Port Sarim to get to Lumbridge!"

"What?" Terrence asked. "I have to go back! I can't believe this!"

But, rather than randomly kill the man, he turned around and walked back to Port Sarim.

------------------

"That'll be 400 gold pieces," said the ship-boarding guy. (I'm too lazy to look up what he's actually called)

"400?" Terrence asked him. "But, it's only to Lumbridge. That's what, a half hour trip?"

"Yes," the boarding guy said, "but we love money. Money goooooooooooooooood."

Terrence thought about simply ditching the job, thought about just waiting for another job, but I wouldn't let him, and he knew that.

"Are you implying something?" Terrence asked.

Maybe.

"Okay, okay, fine." Terrence gave the man 400 GP and boarded the ship, leaving the man to his caressing the money and saying, "Money gooooooooooooooooooooooood."

------------------

"All aboard!" the captain yelled to his passengers.

"Uh, sir," said his first mate. "This is a ship, not a train."

"Oh, right," the captain replied. "I'm still used to my job as a train conductor."

"Sir?"

"Aye?"

"What's a train?"

"No idea."

The sailors quickly untied the ropes holding the ship to the pier, tossed the ropes to the ship, and attempted to get back on before it left.

Note the word _attempted._

"Ah!"

SPLASH!

A sailor fell into the water, flailing and splashing.

"Help! I can't swim! How I ever became a sailor without knowing how to swim, I'll never know! Mom was right! I should've become a shoe shiner!"

And with that, he drowned. But no one noticed. Poor guy. Oh well.

Terrence looked out to sea. The sea was a beautiful thing. It was one of the reasons he hung out at Port Sarim a lot. Despite the day being crappy so far, looking out to sea cheered him up immensely. He was heading to his next big moneymaking job. He knew it.

Terrence felt his stomach growl with hunger. He turned around and walked to the cabin, opened the door, and made his way to the kitchens to secretly cook something.

"Pant pant pant…"

"What the…?" Terrence said aloud, looking around. He went further downstairs and opened a door.

In the room, he found something odd. A small, white dog with black spots and a black head was sniffing around through the cases of wine and food. Terrence could see that the dog was female.

"What the?" he said. The dog suddenly jerked her head up, looked at Terrence, and slunk down low, as if she thought she was in trouble.

"Hey, I won't hurt you," Terrence said, holding out a hand. "Come here, girl."

The dog slowly walked to Terrence, head down, but still looking at him. When she got close, she sniffed his hand, and he began to pet her. She closed her eyes, walked closer to Terrence, and sat down.

"Good girl," Terrence said. He put his hand on her neck. "No collar…she must be a stray…"

Suddenly, the ship's chef barged into the room. He saw the dog, and his eyes widened.

"What the bloody-?" he exclaimed in a heavy accent. "Aye, there be a dog in me stores! Get out, yeh mangy mutt!"

"Hold it!" Terrence said. "She's…er…my dog!"

"O RLY?" the chef challenged. "What be her name, then?"

"Er…"

Terrence looked around quickly, and his eyes stopped on a barrel full of...

"Brandy!"

The chef looked at him suspiciously, and then shrugged.

"Well, a'rite, but git er outta me food stores!"

"Got it," Terrence said. He picked Brandy up and left.

------------------

"Wow, I just got a dog," Terrence said to himself. He was sitting on the deck, petting Brandy on the head.

Petting her brought back memories of back when he was a little kid. He had always begged his parents for a dog, but they never let him have one due to his father's allergies to dog hair.

Sounds kind of cliché, huh?

And now he had gotten a dog by pure coincidence. She lied down on the deck and turned onto her back, letting Terrence scratch her belly.

Looking up, Terrence saw something. The sky was slowly filling up with clouds. Dark, gray clouds. And everyone knows what dark gray clouds mean.

"What in the-?"

Rain started to pour down, soaking the deck and everyone around it. The captain came onto the deck from the bridge and used a spell on himself. He then began to speak, his voice booming across the ship so everyone could hear. Some people were startled enough that the fell off the ship, and some ran around in panic even more.

"Attention, shipmates and passengers!" he said. "We seem to have hit a storm, but it's nothing we can't deal with. Stay calm, and go below deck.

"Captain!"

The first mate appeared next to the captain, and pointed out to the sea.

"Iceberg ahead!"

The passengers turned around to look and screamed. More people jumped off of the boat in fear, only to be hit by the ship. Terrence turned to look at the iceberg.

_That doesn't look like an iceberg…_ Terrence thought. It was tall, and very thin. Unlike any iceberg Terrence had ever seen before. But then, it _moved._ It turned to his left, and everyone gasped. The iceberg wasn't an iceberg at all; it was a giant shark fin.

More people screamed in terror, running around, slipping, and knocking various things over. The fin rose up out of the water to reveal the giant shark it was attached to. As it rose up, a giant wave of water hit the ship, smashing off a portion of the front and killing several passengers.

"Crew!" the captain boomed. "ATTACK!"

Several crew members ran out on deck, cutlasses bared. Predictably, they were eaten instantly.

The shark snarled loudly.

"Yipe yipe yipe!"

Brandy turned around in fear, running below deck, and Terrence watched her disappear through the door.

"Some faithful dog," he said. He looked up to see the shark facing him, and it reared its head back, jaws open.


	12. The Super Incredible Battle

SSJ4: Well, I'm slowly getting more fans.

Terrence: You're serious? It's not just your imagination?

SSJ4: Nope. Well, at least I don't think it is. Besides, it's your story, aren't you glad that people get to hear it?

Terrence: I guess.

SSJ4: Also note that this chapter is concentrating on action, not humor. Also, the title is a spoof of the Japanese versions of DBZ movie titles.

Disclaimer: SSJ4 owns nothing except his characters. _**mutters**_ This disclaimer is plotting to take over, but will be good for now.

**Chapter X: The Super Incredible Battle of the Giant Sea Creature Type Thing**

Terrence rolled to the side, barely avoiding the giant shark's jaws as it smashed into the deck. It picked itself up again quickly, and went back into the water. Terrence stood up and looked in the direction of where the shark smashed. The deck was splintered and shattered.

Suddenly, he heard a sound as if something giant had broke the surface of the water behind him. He turned around sharply, spotting the shark again. He drew his sword, preparing to hack and slash at any part of the shark he could hit. The shark roared hungrily and dove at Terrence. He jumped back and slashed at the shark's rough skin. It left only small scratches, but not enough to actually hurt the monster.

The shark continuously bit at Terrence rapidly, angered that its prey kept on escaping its grasp. It dove back into the water, but Terrence knew it wouldn't be long until it resurfaced.

He was right.

It reappeared near the bow of the ship. Terrence ran up to the bow, sword drawn. He began to step on the very end of the bow, trying to keep from falling into the water. The shark looked at him hungrily, and dove at him. He jumped back; the shark hit the bow; Terrence pointed his sword down and shoved it into the shark's head.

It roared in agony from the blow. It smelt its own blood, which drove it crazy. Terrence began to push the thing off of the bow, scraping his hands against the shark's skin. It fell over the side and into the water with a large splash.

Terrence looked at where it fell for a moment. But, something crossed his mind.

_Brandy!_ He thought. He jumped back onto the deck, almost slipping due to the rain and the waves the shark splashed onto it. He ran back to the cabin, swung open the door, and entered.

He walked down the stairs into the chef's food stores, thinking she might be where he first found her.

She wasn't. And he was glad she wasn't. The room was in complete disarray from the violent rocking from the shark attack and the rough water. Some parts of the ceiling were smashed, allowing rainwater to fall through. Terrence walked through the mess to a door across the room and opened it.

He was in the ship's lower storage area. There were crates of supplies such as food, water, rope, lemons, various items that could cure scurvy, and something called a "Game Boy Advance SP," whatever the heck that was. There were barrels full of wine for the sailors to drink at night so they could wake up the next day with hangovers in the hopes that they'd be excused from working.

Terrence's dad had helped sailors before, so he knew a lot about them.

As he closed the door, he heard footsteps that sounded like small hard things clattering on the wooden floor, similar to a dog's clawed paws.

"Brandy?" Terrence asked uncertainly.

The dog poked her head out from behind a barrel cautiously. Seeing Terrence, she walked over to him and began to sniff his hand.

"It's okay, girl," Terrence said, smiling. "That thing's dead now. We just need to find a way out of-"

CRASH!

Broken piece of wood flew everywhere! Terrence grabbed Brandy and jumped behind a crate, shielding them from the splinters of wood. Terrence looked out to see what had happened; the shark was there, fully alive and well.

_Impossible!_ Terrence thought. _I stabbed it through the head! How can it still be alive?_

He ran out, sword in hand. Brandy stayed safely behind the crate. Terrence noticed water coming out of gaps around the shark from where it had crashed into the wood. Water was flowing into the room, slowly filling it up. The shark looked at Terrence and roared ferociously.

"You just don't die, do you?" Terrence asked it. The beast lunged at him. He rolled to the side, near the wall. He got up quickly and jumped onto a crate as the shark flailed its head to where he had been.

"Up here, you overgrown fish!" He yelled. The shark looked up, saw Terrence, and lunged. Terrence jumped away and slashed at the beast. It roared and flailed, trying to get to its prey.

Terrence hazarded a glance at Brandy's position. She had jumped onto a barrel, trying to get away from the water.

He looked back at the shark and jumped away again, dodging another of its attacks. He picked up a barrel and threw it at the shark. It broke against its hard, rough skin, splashing rum onto it. The shark shook off the blow. It then backed up, allowing more water to get into the ship. The water was now at Terrence's waist.

_Dang it!_ He thought. _If this keeps up, I'll be under the water in no time!_ The shark suddenly rushed forward, smashing further into the ship and running headlong into Terrence.

"Ah-agh!" Terrence yelled in agony. The blow sent him flying back and smashing into some barrels. He fell into the water. The water temporarily disoriented him. He struggled to his feet, resurfacing and gasping, trying to get his breath back. The water was now up to his neck. The shark looked at him. Terrence noticed its nostrils flare under the water, and it went berserk. It flailed violently back and forth, smashing barrels and crates and sending their contents everywhere. Brandy jumped out of the way and swam back to Terrence. He grabbed the dog, turned around and ran out the door, knowing this was a fight he couldn't win.

"We've gotta get off this ship now!" he yelled. The food stores were now almost completely flooded with water, completely submerging the door to the stairs back to the deck. Terrence took a deep breath and went under, leaving Brandy doggy paddling over the surface of the water. Terrence found the door, grabbed the doorknob, and forced it open, causing some of the water to flood out. While they could escape from the room now, Terrence knew the downside; the water was now able to reach the deck even more freely than it could before.

Terrence and Brandy ran at top speed out the door, hearing the sharks crashing and smashing of the storage area. That just gave them more incentive to run like mad.

They reached the deck, which was now a lot closer to the water than it had been. It had begun to tilt as well, making it a little harder for them to keep their footing.

"Ahoy!"

The voice had come from the left. Terrence whipped in the direction of the voice and saw another ship. Its crew was busy fighting off the giant shark. Terrence noticed the captain of the ship, a burly man in his fifties.

"Aye, get over onto me ship!" he said. "Quickly, before that one sinks!"

The shark had apparently smashed the first ship's mast, knocking it over and making a bridge between the two ships. Terrence grabbed Brandy and stepped onto the mast. He carefully walked on the mast, trying not to look down into the rough sea. He heard a splash like something breaking the surface, and looked down. Then, he leaped forward.

A giant shark had jumped upward, grabbing the mast with its jaw and breaking it to pieces. Terrence looked at it for a moment, and looked at the crew. They were still fighting off a shark. He took a closer look at the shark; _it had a wound on its head._"There's two of these things?" he asked incredulously. "That's the one I fought before!" he added, pointing at the shark.

"Aye, we noticed the wound," the captain said. "Yeh seem to have quite a wound yerself."

Terrence looked at his chest where the shark had struck him. There was a large scrape on it.

"I'm fine," he said. He drew his sword.

"Whoa there, lad!" the captain said. "Are yeh sure yer able ta fight? What with that injury an' all."

"I'm fine!" Terrence said, charging forward to join the crew in their fight. They were a lot better than the first crew, as they were actually able to fight the shark off. That's more than can be said for most generic ship crews.

Suddenly, something broke the surface again. Two somethings. The giant shark from before, and a larger, green-skinned, more terrifying shark. Brandy ran behind the captain.

"King Shark!" the captain yelled. "Everyone get ready to escape!"

The crew followed orders and ran from the shark. Terrence looked around and noticed he was the only one left fighting. He looked back at the sharks.

"Aw, come on!" Terrence yelled. "Just how many of you things are there?"

Suddenly, a hundred sharks came out of the water, each saying, "Yo!"

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Terrence yelled weakly.

Don't worry, I am. **_Snicker_** The sharks disappeared except for the original three. Terrence grabbed his chest.

"Nearly give me a heart attack," he mumbled, regaining himself. "Well, I'll hold these things off while the crew gets ready to make a break for it."

The two smaller sharks both lunged at him. He jumped backwards, and they smashed into each other with enough force to knock each other out. But then, the King Shark roared. A bright light surrounded the two smaller sharks, and they re-emerged, heads somewhat squashed, but otherwise completely unharmed.

"Unfair! Well, that explains how the first one survived my attack," Terrence said. "How the heck can I kill these things when the big one just keeps revitalizing them?"

…

"Any ideas, author?"

…Oh, fine, I'll help. If one can't beat an enemy directly, destroy its power source.

"Power source?" Terrence asked, but then it clicked. "Of course! The King Shark! So, how do I kill it?"

Start by climbing the mast.

"Climbing the mast? Why?"

Just do it! I don't own Nike, by the way.

"Nike?"

Don't ask.

"Whatever. Okay, I'll climb the mast, but it'd better work."

Let me ask you something. Have I ever given you reason not to trust me? On second thought, don't answer that.

Terrence grabbed a rope and began to climb the mast, trying to reach the King Shark. The other two sharks began to flail at him, trying to knock him off. Terrence quickly climbed upwards, barely making it away from the sharks as they slammed into each other again, knocking each other unconscious for the second time. Terrence continued to climb the ropes as fast as he could before the other sharks were revived again.

At last, he made it. He pulled himself up onto the top of the mast, just below the crow's nest. He wobbled his arms around to try to keep his balance. King Shark stared at him for a moment, and roared its mighty roar before attacking. It lunged forward, jaw wide open. Terrence jumped to the left as the shark's mouth rushed past him. He noticed three rows of teeth in its mouth, and smelt its putrid breath.

"Hey, take a breath mint once in a while, will you?" he yelled, waving the smell away. King Shark lunged again, and Terrence dodged to the right. He jumped up to avoid another attack. He pointed his sword down, aiming for King Shark's head, but it moved away before he could reach it and his sword stuck into the mast. King Shark lunged as Terrence tried to pull his sword out of the mast to no avail. He jumped to the left as the shark smashed into the mast.

King Shark moved back, keeping its mouth wide open for some reason. Terrence quickly saw why; his sword was stuck in its mouth.

"Not my Dad's sword," he said quietly. He backed towards the crow's nest, ran, turned slightly, and jumped at the shark as it lunged at him, trying to knock him out with its nose. Terrence grabbed the shark's nose, his hands brushing against its rough skin. Ignoring the pain of having two sharks in one day hit his hands; he began to cautiously lower himself towards its mouth.

"Ahoy!" he heard the captain yell. "That boy's a brave one, he is!"

King Shark began to flail around wildly, trying to shake Terrence off, but Terrence was too determined to let it shake him off. He grabbed King Shark's upper lip and carefully stepped onto its lower lip, using all his strength in an attempt to keep the shark's mouth open. In doing so, he opened the mouth wide enough for his sword to fall over.

He took his left hand off of the lip and reached for his sword. King Shark pushed its mouth hard against him, and Terrence's knees began to buckle under the weight. He pushed hard again, temporarily stopping, but not opening, the shark's mouth any more.

_Gotta get my sword back!_ He thought. He took a step forward onto King Shark's sharp teeth, and let go, jumping into the shark's mouth. It closed its mouth hard, shattering a few of its teeth in the process.

"Okay, sword!" Terrence said frantically, looking around quickly. He looked towards King Shark's throat and felt his heart skip a beat; the sword was there, close to falling down the throat.

Terrence made a wild leap for the sword, stepping on the tongue. King Shark opened its mouth, lifted its head and roared. Terrence felt, and smelt, its horrible breath again. The sword began to fall into the throat. Terrence made another wild leap, reaching his hands out, and the sharp blade of the sword hit his left hand as he grabbed it.

"Agh!" he cried out in pain, but he wouldn't let go. He felt the blade digging into his hand, nearly cutting off his fingers. Terrence reached up, grabbing the tongue with a weak grip. He couldn't find any way to hold onto it as he slipped closer towards the shark's throat.

_I've only got one shot at this!_ He thought frantically. He took a deep breath and let the sword cut through his left hand. His fingers fell down King Shark's throat. Terrence had to force himself not to scream in agony. Ignoring the pain, Terrence grabbed his sword with his right hand, sheathed it, and grabbed the shark's uvula.

King Shark began to gag. Terrence looked down and saw a thick liquid began to shoot upwards. He held his breath and let go of the uvula, falling into the vomit. He drew his sword. The vomit rapidly flew out of King Shark's mouth, and Terrence lifted his sword up, cutting into the roof of the shark's mouth and slicing through its head. He heard an agonizing roar as he flew out and fell through the thick rain. The vomit hit the deck of the ship, and a dazed Terrence was caught in a pair of strong arms.

"Gotcha, lad," he heard the captain's voice say. "Oh no, look at yer hand. It's a bloody mess. Yeh! Johnson! Get this boy ta the sick bay right away!"

"Aye aye, sir!" another voice said. Terrence felt himself passed to another pair of arms, and carried down a flight of steps. He himself was so dazed he had no idea where he was.

He was laid down in a comfortable bed and heard footsteps come his way.

"Eurgh, couldn't you have washed him off first?" a woman's voice said.

"Sorry, ma'am," Johnson said.

"Well, it doesn't matter," the woman said.

Terrence's vision was clearing. He looked around and saw he was in a room with four wooden walls somewhere below deck. The doctor took his hand. Terrence looked at it, and nearly fainted. All that was left of it was the thumb and the lower palm.

"Oh, dear, dear," the doctor said. "Well, easy enough to fix."

She pulled out a Reality Rune and a Nature Rune. They glowed in her hand, and her other hand began to glow as well. Terrence's hand suddenly felt warm. The light disappeared, and the warmth subsided.

"There, good as new," the doctor said. Terrence looked at his hand. It was fully restored, and there was no sign of a scar.

"Whoa," he said in awe. "Thanks!"

"It's no problem," the doctor said, smiling at him. "Healing spells are my specialty."

Terrence sat up and noticed he was covered in shark vomit.

"Ew," he said, looking at himself. "This is one of the downsides to being a mercenary."

A few hours later, Terrence walked out to the deck, fully rested and cleaned up. The captain walked up to him.

"Ah, the lad's restored!" he said. "Yeh did well out there. Yeh killed the King Shark! Fer that, I give yeh me thanks."

"You're welcome," Terrence said.

"Yeh know, I never got yer name. Me name's Captain Olivander."

"Terrence. Terrence Wolfblade."

"Well, I'm glad I met yeh, Terrence! So, how'd yeh like ta be part of me crew?"

"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks," Terrence said. "I'm not really much of a sailor."

"Yeh sure? Well, at least take some money as me thanks!"

Olivander pulled out a bag, reached in and pulled out 100 gold pieces, and gave them to Terrence.

"It's not much, I know," he said.

"Thanks anyway," Terrence told him. "So, how long until we get to Lumbridge?"

"Shouldn' be too long now," Olivander told him. "I'd say about ten minutes at the most."

"That's good," Terrence told him. He decided to go near the edge and look out into the water. He heard panting behind him and turned around to see a small, black and white dog happily wagging her tail.

"Hey, Brandy!" he said, kneeling down to pet her. "You're a coward, but I'll still keep you, I guess." Brandy wagged her tail even more. Terrence looked out into the sea and saw Lumbridge in the distance. He could almost see the people as well.

But one person caught his attention the most, someone wearing a dark cloak and a mask over his face. The masked person stared intently at the ship for a moment, then disappeared into thin air.

"What in the world?" Terrence asked aloud, staring at the spot the man had stood only a moment before.

"Oy, Terrence!" Olivander said. "We're gonna hafta take a smaller boat to get ta Lumbridge! C'mon an' we'll take yeh there!"

"Alright, coming!" Terrence said. He took one last glance at where the man had stood, and walked to the boat, Brandy following behind.


	13. The University

SSJ4: New update! WOOHOO!

Terrence: That was fast.

SSJ4: I know, but I'm feeling generous. And I've got nothing better to do with my time. So, here you go!

Disclaimer: SSJ4 owns almost everything in this chapter except for approximately two characters, a town, several ducks, and one castle.

Terrence: Castle?

SSJ4: School, actually.

**Chapter XI: The University**

Terrence sailed through the Lumbridge River with Captain Olivander sailing the small sailboat. Random n00bs kept firing arrows at them, forcing Terrence to block them with his sword and shoot Wind Strikes back at them, killing them easily.

"The only reason I'm not using something stronger," Terrence told Olivander, "Is because these guys are so weak that I don't want to waste the runes."

Brandy stuck her head out of the boat, sniffing the ducks and drinking the water. They soon came to the first low bridge over Lumbridge River.

"Duck!" Olivander yelled. Terrence and Brandy instinctively ducked as the bridge took out the mast of the sailboat. Terrence heard a duck squawk in pain; apparently they had just run one over.

"ZOMG LEIK HE JUTS KILD THAT DUK!11!1!"

"Arr, well, we can fix that up later," Olivander said, looking at the stump in dismay. "So, here'll do, then?"

"Yeah, drop me off here," Terrence said. "I should be able to find whatever place I'm looking for from here."

Olivander stopped the boat and Terrence climbed out, Brandy following right behind him.

"Thanks for the ride, sir!" Terrence said to him.

"Yar, it is no problem for the lad who saved me ship and me crew!" Olivander said. "If yeh ever need a ship, I'll always be willin' ta sail fer ya." Olivander then began to sail away.

"Thanks again!" Terrence said, waving goodbye. Olivander turned around to wave and struck his head against the low bridge. Olivander got up, swore, and sailed off. Terrence turned around.

"C'mon, Brandy, let find this place." He looked around, but couldn't see anything extraordinary anywhere. He began to walk up.

"Up?"

North. I meant north.

"Right."

A n00b ran up to him.

"D00D LEIK HOUWD U KIL THAT DUK?"

"Er…we ran it over with a boat," Terrence replied.

"OK KOOL"

The n00b ran up to a flock of ducks.

"LOLZ LIKE U DUKZ R THE SUK!11!"

Terrence watched as a flock of ducks surrounded the n00b and killed him. He grinned and continued on.

---------------------

"Here's something extraordinary…"

Terrence stood in awe of a giant castle just north of Lumbridge. It was the biggest building he had ever seen, even larger than the castle in Falador. The entire populations of Varrock, Lumbridge, and Falador could fit in it comfortably.

"This place is huge!" Terrence said. "Is this the place I'm looking for?"

Yep.

"Wow," he said. "How'd they fit this castle here?"

Plotholes.

"Oh."

Brandy ran off to the right. Terrence watched her as she ran up to a sign right in front of the castle. It read:

UNIVERSITY OF ITCHCRAFT AND ITCHERY

"Itchcraft and Itchery?" Terrence asked aloud. He immediately noticed two missing letters next to "Itchraft" and "Itchery." "Is it supposed to be 'Witchcraft and Witchery?'"

Oh…something like that.

Somewhat nervous now, Terrence walked through the large double doors into the castle.

"Whoa."

The inside looked even bigger than the outside. Terrence stood in the entrance hall. It was so large one could probably fit the entire Goblin Mines in here. It was also crowded with people around his age, some older and some younger.

The first thing that he noticed about the students was that they were all girls. Because he was the only guy, he got a lot of stares, though he wasn't sure why.

_Are they looking at me because they think I'm good-looking?_ He thought. _Or are they looking at me because they all hate men? There are tons of other reasons, though. Maybe if I ignore them, they'll stop._

He walked up a flight of stairs to the second floor, which was much less crowded. But, it made him that much more noticeable. More girls watched him walk by. Some smiled, some scowled.

_This is uncomfortable…_

There was a lot of talking in the hall. Some people were chatting, some were whispering, and some were outright yelling. He thought he heard someone with a loud Dutch accent insulting another girl. He then heard the same girl with the Dutch accent screaming in agony two seconds later.

"Excuse me," he asked a passing adult woman. Brandy walked up to her and sniffed her. "Can you tell me where the headmistress' office is?"

"May," she answered.

"What?"

"It's 'may you tell me,' not 'can you tell me.' Honestly, have you no etiquette?"

Terrence was flabbergasted for a moment.

"Look, I just need to-"

"Ahem!"

Terrence sighed. "Okay, _may_ you _please_ tell me where I can find the headmistress' office?"

"Why do you need to see her?"

He held up his beeper. "She beeped me. I'm a mercenary."

"Oh, you must be Terrence. Follow me."

Ignoring the fact that the woman knew his name, he followed her, keeping Brandy close by. She led him up two flights of stairs up to the fourth floor. He followed her through the hall, ignoring stares from more students as they whispered and stared in Terrence's direction. Brandy wanted to run up to the students to sniff, lick, and pester them, and Terrence finally had to pick her up and carry her under his right arm to keep her from doing so.

"Are we almost there?" he asked.

"Patience, boy!" the woman yelled at him. He promptly fell silent and kept his mouth shut as they entered another door. Terrence put Brandy down as he noticed they were in an office.

"This boy wants to see Professor Head," the woman told a secretary behind a counter. Terrence had to force himself not to laugh at the name. "He claims to be Terrence Wolfblade."

"I see," the secretary said, looking at him. "He seems a little young to be a mercenary. But we'll let Head deal with him."

_Deal with?_ Terrence thought, now very nervous. _What does she mean by that?_

"Fine. Terrence, enter that door over there."

The woman pointed at a door, which had the words "Professor Sera Head" on it. Terrence walked to the door and Brandy followed him. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and entered.

He was in an office with a desk and a large chair that resembled a throne behind it. Several portraits lined the walls. He looked around at them. Some depicted beautiful scenery. Others depicted gruesome death. He tried his hardest not to look at one depicting a man's head on a spike. The room also had some statues and rare pottery in it. Brandy walked up to several of them to sniff them, and at that moment Terrence was devoutly thankful she wasn't a male dog.

"Who is there?" he heard a severe voice say. A woman walked down a flight of stairs Terrence hadn't noticed before. She wore elaborate, white robes with almost ridiculous amounts of jewelry on them. She wore a pair of glasses and heavy make-up, and had gray hair tied in a very tight bun. She noticed Terrence instantly.

"Who are you?" she demanded. "This is a school for girls. Are you another stalker? You are the fourth one this week."

"No!" Terrence blurted out, trying to stay calm. "I'm…I'm Terrence Wolfblade, the mercenary you called for?"

Professor Head walked up to him and examined him. She walked around him, and he didn't dare move.

"Hmm…hmm…"

She finally stopped in front of him.

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"You cannot be a mercenary. Not at that age."

"I am a mercenary!" Terrence yelled, finding his courage. "Just look!"

He pulled out his beeper. On the side it said, "Official Mercenary Guild Beeper." He also pulled out his ID, which said "Official Mercenary" on it.

"You could have stolen that beeper from someone. And that ID Card could be fake."

Terrence stared at Head. He had only met her thirty-seven seconds ago and already he didn't like her.

"From a trained mercenary? I doubt it."

"Fine, fine. If you are indeed who you say you are," Professor Head said, walked around her desk and sitting down, "This job should be easy enough for you. If not, I suppose you will simply die, which is no loss to me.

"Sit down, boy," she said, gesturing at the chair in front of the desk.

"I'm fine standing, thanks," Terrence said, not bothering to be polite.

"SIT!" Head yelled furiously. Terrence had no memory of grabbing the chair, but he was suddenly sitting down.

"Now, for the mission.

"We, as in myself and my teachers, have been feeling rumbling lately. A volcano recently appeared just north of here. We do not know how it got there. We believe it may be ready to erupt. But someone recently came by with another unsettling theory."

"Which is?"

"Do not interrupt me!"

"Sorry."

"This man, a scholar, believed that the volcano might be inhabited by a monster."

_Not another monster…_ Terrence thought. "What kind of monster?"

"The scholar was not sure, but he showed me drawings of a fierce dragon, one of a giant blob of lava with a face, and another of a demon. It seems no one was sure of what the monster was."

Terrence held up a hand to silence her for a moment.

"Wait, I notice you've been referring to the scholar in the past tense. Why?"

Professor Head looked none too happy about being interrupted, but gestured towards the picture of the man's head on a spike. Terrence looked back at her, shocked.

"Why'd you do that?"

"He was a pedophile. He slapped one of my student's bottoms. He was punished appropriately."

Terrence sat in the chair, dumbstruck. One of the pots suddenly snarled at Brandy, who whimpered and ran to Terrence.

"Where was I?" Professor Head asked. "Ah yes. All I want you to do is go to the volcano and investigate it for me. If there is a monster, I ask that you kill it. If you can do that, I will reward you whether there is a monster or not."

"Someone'll have to watch my dog while I'm gone," Terrence said, petting Brandy. Professor Head sighed.

"You may leave her here in my office. I shall keep an eye on her."

Terrence stood up.

"Thanks. I'll be back."

He turned around and began to walk to the door, but Brandy began to follow him. He looked at her.

"Stay," he said. She obeyed and sadly watched him leave the room.

Terrence closed the door to the headmistress' office. He noticed a girl sitting on the bench next to the office door. She looked about his age, with flaming red hair and an extremely cross expression on her face. She glared at him as if she hated him for existing, and he quickly looked away.

_Geez, what is it with all the women here?_ He thought. He heard Professor Head's office door open, and caught some of a conversation. Professor Head asked the girl why she burned someone, and the girl angrily protested that the girl she burned had deserved it. Then, the door closed. He feared for Brandy's safety around these lunatics, and left.

---------------------

Terrence walked two miles north of the castle, and finally reached what he had assumed was the volcano.

"Yeah, because the shaking and the lava coming down from it were no clue whatsoever."

He looked up at the volcano. It was a long walk up to the top, but fortunately not very steep, either. He began his walk up the volcano.

The walk itself was relatively uneventful until he reached about halfway up. Then, I decided to make this more like a video game.

"What's a video game?" Terrence asked. "Whoa!"

He suddenly rolled to the left out of the way of a boulder falling down! He watched the boulder as it rolled away.

"What in the world was that about?" he yelled. He looked back up and saw a frightening sight. A giant, dark red dragon was looking down on him from the mouth of the volcano. But it was different from other dragons, because instead of front legs, it had large, scaly arms that were perfectly capable of lifting up boulders and throwing them, which was exactly what it was doing.

"Yikes!"

Terrence continued to run to the left, barely avoiding the boulders. The dragon roared and continued to throw boulders.

_Where the heck does it get all those boulders?_ Terrence thought.

More plotholes.

"Oh."

Terrence came to a part of the volcano that was far too steep to walk up, but had a ledge next to it big enough to run across. Terrence did exactly that, dodging boulder after boulder. He looked at the ledge wall, and had an idea. He ran up to it and pressed his back against it. The boulders rolled over the volcano, but flew over the ledge, hitting the edge but missing Terrence.

_Yes!_

He walked across the ledge, staying as close to the wall as possible. He continued in this manner for about five minutes. Then, the boulders stopped.

_What the?_ He thought. But rather than let it bother him, he continued walking up the slightly inclined ledge.

Then, the ledge wall disappeared. A ditch was in front of him.

"Uh-oh."

ROOAAR!

Terrence looked up at the dragon. It had spotted him and was looking at him angrily, almost as if it was saying, "GET OFF MY VOLCANO!" It slammed its clawed fist into the volcano, breaking off a portion of rock and sending lava flowing down the ditch, creating a river of lava that blocked his way across.

"Great!" he said, frustrated. "_Now_ how am I supposed to get across?"

Terrence noticed the heat intensifying due to the lava.

_Wait a minute…_ he thought. _That heat is rising up. Birds use heat thermals to fly…_

"Okay, crappy wings!" he said. He pulled on a small cord, and two crappy looking, man-made wings appeared on his back.

"Thanks, Borgin," he said, grabbing the handles on the wings. "Wait, if I've had these this whole time, why didn't I ever use them before?"

I kind of forgot you had them. Besides, it would've made things too easy before.

"Whatever."

Terrence bent his knees, and jumped, flapping the wings as hard as he could. The heat rising from the lava carried Terrence across the river with no difficulties. He landed on his feet and retracted the wings. The ledge wall was still gone, but the volcano wasn't nearly as steep as it had been before. Terrence turned to his right and ran up the volcano. The dragon roared at him, trying to intimidate him. But Terrence still charged forward.

_Look at me charging at this thing head on while in reality I'm scared out of my wits,_ he thought.

The dragon reached into the mouth of the volcano and began to throw more boulders down, but Terrence was used to this by now; he ran left to avoid one, and right to avoid another. It was like a game of cat-and-mouse. Except it involved Terrence, a Lava Dragon, several boulders, and Terrence's life.

He was now only about twenty feet away from the volcano. The dragon roared, but it then went down into the volcano. Terrence waited while he continued to run forward, but the dragon never came back out.

He made it to the mouth of the volcano. He looked down, but saw no sign of the dragon. But he saw a large, stone platform in the middle about thirty feet downwards. He pulled out the wings again, jumped, and slowly went into the volcano.

---------------------

**Author's Note:** Well, another chapter done. Not as long as my last one (which was over 3000 words), but long enough, I think. It also shows the return of the crappy wings from the Jack Phoenix arc! And I seriously did forget about them. Also, see if you can spot the Easter egg in this chapter (not that it's hard to spot…). So readeth and review…eth!


	14. Hero vs Dragon: How Original

SSJ4: OMG LEIK NOO CHAPTOR!

Terrence: Er…

SSJ4: Holy dog! I can't believe it's been so long. Well, I've got the new chapter done.

Disclaimer: Did you know SSJ4 actually owns the volcano? I'm serious. It's true.

**Chapter XII: 404 Chapter Title Not Found**

SSJ4: What the heck? Okay, one moment. It won't be too long.

Six hours later, SSJ4 returned bloody, bruised, and beaten.

Terrence: Whoa, what happened to you?

SSJ4 then began to tell the long and ridiculously drawn out story of what happened.

Terrence: So…why'd you go to Jupiter again?

SSJ4: I'm not telling the story again! Anyway, I found a chapter title.

**Chapter XII: Hero vs. Dragon: What An Original Concept**

Slowly, Terrence descended into the volcano, drifting down towards the stone platform in the middle. He touched down lightly and stored the wings. The heat from the volcano was intense; it was hotter even than the southern Al Kharid desert.

_'Now, where are you?'_ Terrence thought, looking around at the volcano's walls. They glowed bright orange, the light from the lava reflecting off of them.

"It's called 'magma' when it's still underground," Terrence said.

Oh, shut up.

Suddenly, a loud erupting noise! Something large flew out of the lav…magma and roared. Terrence looked up at it, realizing just how large the dragon actually was.

"I can't believe this keeps happening to me," he said. He drew his sword and pointed it at the monstrous creature. "First that shark, and now this…"

The dragon roared loudly, the volcano shaking as it did. It flew up into the air, pointed its mouth at Terrence, and began to breath napalms of fire. Terrence rolled out of the way, but the dragon merely turned its head in his direction, forcing him to run. The dragon stopped after a few moments. Terrence was already breaking out in sweat.

'_It's freaking hot in here!'_ he thought. _'How am I gonna fight in this heat?'_

The dragon landed on the platform on all fours, staring at Terrence as though taunting him, practically saying, "Come get me." Terrence pulled out some runes.

"Water Strike!" he called out. He pointed his left hand at the monster. Aqua blue, watery energy formed in his palm, and he let it fly! However, the dragon flapped its enormous wings and flew up, dodging the spell. It flew downwards into the lava…I mean magma…and came back up, a large boulder in its hands. It tossed it at Terrence, who only then realized he was standing on the corner of the platform with nowhere to run.

He swore. He had fallen straight into a trap and now he was going to die. He racked his brains for an idea…

He quickly pulled out some more runes. "Fire Strike!" A flaming red ball shot out of his palm, flying directly at the rock and striking it in the middle! The rock burst into small, fiery rocks of…er…fire.

"That was redundant of you," Terrence said.

Yeah, I know. I'm just like that.

Anyway, the dragon circled the platform like a vulture circling its prey. Hey, I made a simile!

"Who cares?" Terrence yelled in frustration. "I'm in a life or death struggle here!"

The dragon stopped right behind Terrence. He felt, and heard, the hot wind from its gigantic wings. He whipped around, then whipped back around and ran, barely dodging another onslaught of flames. He turned around to face the dragon again. It dove into the magma again. It resurfaced near the corner to Terrence's left, but had no boulder in its claws. Terrence wondered what it just did when it suddenly spewed a river of magma out of its mouth at Terrence!

"Son of a-!" He ran forward, dodging the attack again. He looked at the dragon, panting from exhaustion.

'_This thing's got me running around like a mouse running from a cat,'_ Terrence thought.

What's with all the similes today?

"Isn't there some way to defeat this thing?" Terrene yelled, dodging another firestorm.

C'mon, would I really put you in a fight you couldn't win?

"Yes."

Oh…right. Well, everything has its weak point. You just need to find it. Plus, you need to find out how to avoid his attacks without using up so much energy.

"That's a lot of help," Terrence said, his voice practically spilling sarcasm all over the place. No, not practically, literally.

"What the-?" Terrence exclaim in surprise as the letters S, A, R, C, A, S, and M came out of his mouth. The letters said "mimblewimble" and jumped into the magma. "What was that about?"

Eh, don't ask. I felt like being random.

The dragon roared again, gaining Terrence's attention again. It dove into the magma, came up near the same corner and spewed more magma out. An idea suddenly struck Terrence.

"OUCH!" he yelled as an idea hit him in the head, laughing maniacally. Rubbing his head with one hand and pulling out some runes with another, he yelled out "Water Strike!"

The watery spell hit the magma, turning it into rock! Only one problem: now Terrence had a huge boulder coming his way. He swore again as he dodged the boulder, but it struck his left arm. He heard a resounding "CRACK!" as pain flooded his arm and it flopped to his side, useless.

"OW! OWOWOWOW!" Terrence screamed in agony. "Oh, that was…ergh…_real_ smart, Terrence."

Don't talk to yourself. It's creepy.

"AAARGH!"

The dragon sat on the corner of the platform again, daring Terrence to attack with another spell. Terrence pulled out some runes, looking the dragon straight in the eye.

_'Wait a second…'_ he thought. _'The eyes…'_

Terrence put the runes away. He drew his sword and charged at the beast! The dragon yawned and swung its claw lazily, trying to hit Terrence with the back of its hand. Terrence jumped at the last moment and grabbed the dragon's arm. He struggled to pull himself up with his one good arm, still resisting the pain in his left. The dragon, surprised, began to shake its arm, attempting to throw Terrence off. But he didn't let go. He climbed on top and ran up to the dragon's shoulder, where he drew his sword and stabbed the dragon's right eye.

"RRRAAAAAAAGH!"

The dragon roared in pain from the unexpected blow! It whipped its right claw up, clutching its eye and hitting Terrence on accident. Terrence flew back, his body racked with pain. He felt sleepy…

_'No!'_ he thought, suddenly waking up. He realized he had been knocked off the platform and was heading straight towards the magma! He drew his sword again and stabbed it into the platform, attempting to stop himself from falling.

It worked. The sword pierced the dark red rock, slicing through about ten feet before stopping, stuck in the rock. Terrence was barely hanging on anymore; the heat combined with the dragon's blows was too much to bear.

The dragon stomped around the platform in pain, shaking the platform with every step. It continued shaking…in fact, it was shaking _too_ much. Terrence looked down and nearly wet himself.

_'The platform is sinking into the magma!'_

He had to end this fast. With his depleted strength, Terrence wrenched his sword out of the rock, sheathed it, and pulled out Borgin's wings. He flapped hard with one arm, putting every last ounce of effort into pulling himself up onto the platform.

_'Come on…'_ he thought, straining himself with the effort. _'You can do this…'_

With every ounce of strength he could muster, he was able to pull himself onto the platform. He retracted the wings and landed hard on his feet, then fell to his knees, breathing heavily.

"This is…too much…" he managed to say. The dragon, seeing Terrence, stopped its rampage of pain and glared at him hard. It flew up, and Terrence had to force himself to stand up. He lifted his hand to draw his sword, and then decided against it. It was practically useless in this fight anyway unless he could get a shot at the dragon's other eye.

He ran away from the corner, figuring the middle of the platform was the safest place. The dragon flew in a semicircle, then stopped and stomped the platform. It shook hard, and magma suddenly erupted from the platform! Geez, I'm saying platform a lot, aren't I?

"Hey, focus!" Terrence yelled, the force of the eruption knocking him off his feet. He wasn't hit directly, but the loud noise plus the hard jolt from the eruption were sufficient enough. He stood up again, refusing to give up. The dragon slammed the platform again, causing another eruption. Terrence jumped to the right, barely avoiding the magma. But he couldn't control his left arm as it flailed to his left, right into the magma.

"AAAAGH!" Terrence screamed loudly. He clutched his upper arm, looked at it, and nearly fainted. The skin and muscle on his forearm had been completely burned off. All that remained was his left forearm bones connected to a burned, blackened elbow. He noticed the forearm bone was partially snapped.

"Is this…gonna…keep happening to me?" Terrence said, his voice filled with strained effort. The dragon roared loudly again. It flapped its wings and flew directly at Terrence. Even in his exhausted, agonized state, an idea came to him, and he recognized his one opportunity to pull it off.

The dragon flew at him at high speeds, mouth wide open, likely to bite Terrence and snap him in half. _'That would be the icing on the cake,'_ Terrence thought with grim amusement. He pulled out several water and mind runes, pointed his palm at the dragon's mouth, and cried out, "WATER STRIKE!"

The watery blast went straight into the dragon's throat, catching it by surprise and causing it to cough. It stopped in mid-flight, clutching its throat. Some water started to come out.

"Water Strike! Water Strike! Water Strike! Water Strike!"

Terrence cast repeated blasts of water into the dragon's throat, not relenting. The dragon began to swallow the water, but the continuous flow of water down the throat kept it from breathing. It began to choke, making gagging noises as it attempted to breathe. But its attempts were to no avail. It wobbled dangerously; then, with one last gag, it crashed down onto the platform, dead.

"I did it!" Terrence said in a strained voice. His celebration was short lived, however, when he noticed shaking.

'_Dang it, this thing's still sinking!'_ Terrence pulled out the wings again, flapping with his one arm hard. His feet slowly lifted off the platform…the hot air gave him some lift, but it wasn't enough on its own….

He was barely conscious now. His eyes drooped. His worn body stopped working as he plummeted to the platform, dully registering the magma covering it.

------------------------------

In Varrock, a few friends were talking amongst themselves about usual stuff; such was what n00bs they killed today, the new equipment they bought, and the like.

But the busy air of Varrock was suddenly pierced by a loud scream of pain.

Everyone looked in the direction of the noise. Bankers looked out the windows. Shopkeepers ran outside their shops, leaving their (not-so) valuable items completely vulnerable to random lowlives.

They all saw the plotholed volcano just south of the town. Something…or someone…flew out of its mouth, its back on fire. It screamed as it left a trail of smoke in its wake.

------------------------------

In the university, Professor Head was still busy reprimanding the red-haired girl from before. The girl herself looked particularly annoyed, but whether it was from Professor Head's lecture or from the fact that Brandy kept licking her hand was unknown.

"The next time you do something like this, I will punish you more severely. You know we encourage revenge, but anything too harsh – that is to say, anything like what you did to whatever her name is – costs us money. So next time, Miss W-"

She suddenly stopped talking. Brandy's ears had gone up as she stared out the window. She was either being stupid, or she heard something. Professor Head got up out of her chair, walked over to the window, and looked out. Suddenly, she turned around.

"Get down!" she shrieked, diving for cover. The girl glanced out the window, and then did the same.

CRASH!

Glass flew everywhere as something smashed through the window. It hit the desk hard, breaking it in two. The thing rolled across the floor, hit the wall, and stopped, remaining completely motionless. Professor Head and the red-haired girl stood up and walked over to the unconscious, brutally beaten form of Terrence Wolfblade.


	15. Epilogue to the Previous Chapter

Author's Note: Phew, barely got away…again.

Terrence: What's up?

Well, my readers are all outside, holding pitchforks and torches and chanting, "DEATH TO SSJ4!"

Terrence: Probably because you haven't updated in forever.

I've been busy! Or was it lazy? No, definitely busy!

Terrence: Uh huh. Suuuure you have.

I'm serious!

SMASH readers run in, screaming

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! runs for dear life

**Chapter XIII: A Resolution/Epilogue to the Previous Chapter**

"Ow, owowowowowow it hurts!!"

"Come on, I thought you of all people would know not to piss _her_ off."

"But she insulted me! She called me fat!"

Terrence heard the vague, far away voices, chatting and screaming in agony. He didn't want to wake up; he was too tired. A dragon appeared in front of him, roaring loudly. It breathed fire at him…

"AAHHHH!"

Terrence sat up in his bed, drenched in a cold sweat and breathing hard. Light flooded into his eyes, nearly blinding him and forcing him to shut his eyes again. What had happened? Where was he? He realized that the dragon attack just a moment ago had been a dream.

'_Oh yeah, the dragon,'_ Terrence thought, the memories flooding back to him. The pain, the roaring, and the hot, searing flames were something he'd never forget. Then, with a sickening feeling in his stomach, he remembered his arm and how it had been burnt to the bone. He opened his eyes and shot a look at his arm; he breathed a deep sigh of relief when he saw that it had been healed completely, as if the skin and muscle had never been burnt off. He saw that he was wearing white pajamas.

He raised his head and looked around the room he was in. It was bathed in sunlight coming through the large windows on the walls. Beds lined the walls, perfectly aligned and clean except for several people who had been bloodied, beaten, and burnt. He looked to his left. The nurse was helping a girl about his age who was covered in burns and bruises into a bed. The girl was crying uncontrollably, but thankfully wasn't wailing loudly. Terrence watched as the nurse pulled a potion seemingly out of mid-air and gave it to the girl.

"Drink up, dear," she told her with a kind voice. "This'll help you to rest."

The girl somehow drank the entire potion in one swig despite her sobbing. She lay her head down on the pillow and continued crying, but not as much.

"Excuse me," Terrence said, trying to get the nurse's attention. He suddenly noticed his throat was very dry. The nurse looked at him. "Where the heck am I?"

The nurse blinked.

"Oh dear, you mean you don't remember?" she said, sounding concerned. "The headmistress hired you to investigate the volcano, remember?"

"I'm in the school?" Terrence asked, bewildered. He looked at the sheer number of people in the hospital wing, just now noticing that all of them were female. "Man, I'd hate to go here.

"How long have I been out?" he asked.

"Three-and-a-half months," the nurse replied. "I was beginning to worry you'd never wake up."

Terrence looked at her, stunned.

"Three-and-a-half _months?_"

"Yes."

Terrence lay back down. He couldn't believe he had been out so long. But he suddenly realized now wasn't the time to worry about it. He sat up again.

"Where's my stuff? And my dog?"

"Well," the nurse said, "I'm not sure about the dog, but we had to lock up your armor and clothing. The students here see so few males that some of them have become quite…crazy."

_'I wonder why?'_ Terrence thought, thinking of the Headmistress.

"Well, thanks," he said, "I'm feeling a lot better."

He literally jumped out of bed and landed, his feet hitting the tile floor. Pain shot into them.

"Ow! Not smart, not smart at all," he muttered, rubbing his feet. The nurse gasped so loudly at his sudden jump that some of the students woke up and stared at her.

"Don't do that!" she said in a shocked voice. "You still need to rest!"

"I said I'm fine," Terrence told her firmly. "I've been through worse and survived." He hoped that sounded truthful, because the truth was that he had never been so beaten up in his life. "Now, where's my stuff?"

The nurse was adamant. She strode over to him quickly and pushed him back into bed.

"Lay down!" she said, the kindness in her voice all but gone. "You need to _rest._"

Terrence struggled against her, but either she was very strong or he really _hadn't_ fully recovered. He stopped trying to get up and lay down.

----------------------------

The next day, the nurse deemed him fully recovered and let him leave. She brought him his clothes and armor and put a curtain around his bed so he could change. Afterwards, he walked out of the hospital wing, thanking the nurse again for taking care of him.

_'Okay, first things first,'_ he thought to himself. _'I'd better find out where Brandy ran off to.'_

He walked through the hall, trying hard to ignore the stares of all the girls in the hallway. A lot of them began whispering to each other and glancing at him as he passed. It made him feel uncomfortable. He whistled for his dog.

"Brandy!" he called. "C'mere, girl!"

Suddenly, as if on cue, a large, black and white dog ran out of a room at top speed, ears up. Seeing Terrence, she ran to him as fast as she could. Terrence braced himself to be knocked over, but it didn't come. Brandy ran up to him, sniffing him incessantly.

"Oh my Guthix," Terrence said, disgusted. "What did they do to you?"

Brandy's hair had been braided and tied together with several pink bows. She was wearing lipstick and eye shadow. She stared at him, whining. Quickly, he began to work on taking off the bows.

"Doggy! Come back! We still need to braid your tail!"

"YIPE!"

Brandy ran behind Terrence, putting him in between her and the girl. Terrence looked in the direction of the annoyingly high voice. A girl, about ten years old, ran out of a room, carrying lipstick and several other types of makeup. Her blonde hair was tied into two pigtails, and she wore all pink. It was like a Barbie doll nightmare. He heard another girl swear loudly as she emerged from another room. She was about his age, with flaming red hair and an expression on her face that could scare King Black Dragon. She yelled the girl's name (which Terrence couldn't quite catch) and grabbed her by the arm.

"I knew it was a bad idea to let you come for the day!" she screamed at earsplitting volumes. Terrence had to cover his ears to keep his eardrums from exploding. "I told Mum and Dad over and over, but no, they just _had_ to let you come over!"

"But, big sis, the doggy and I were having so much fun!" the blonde whined. Brandy shrunk behind Terrence even more. The redhead dragged the blonde away, screaming and cursing at her.

"I've never heard so much profanity in one sentence before," Terrence said aloud. He turned to his dog. "You okay?"

Brandy, still shaken up, inched closer to Terrence and sniffed him again, obviously wanting him to pet her and remove the cosmetics. He began to do so.

"You've grown a lot since I was out," Terrence told her. "Don't worry, we'll be out of here soon."

Brandy wagged her tail happily.

----------------------------------

Terrence walked into Professor Head's office with Brandy (who had been fully cleaned up) in tow. He pushed the door open, wanting to get in and out as soon as possible and not bothering to ask for permission to enter.

The office remained unchanged. It was still filled with several beautiful (and several other gruesome) pictures and rare pottery. Professor Head came down the stairs in the back of the room and looked at him.

"Oh," she said in a hateful voice. "_You._"

Terrence gulped; he really didn't like the sound of her voice. His eyes cast a quick glance at the picture of the scholar's head on a spike and he felt his stomach plummet. Despite this, he mustered up his courage and looked her in the eye.

"I'm here about my payment," he said.

"Humph," the Professor said. "Payment? What payment?"

Terrence glared at her. "What do you mean 'What payment'? We had a deal. I investigate your volcano and kill your dragon and you pay me. Now pay up."

Terrence could've sworn he saw smoke shoot out of Head's nose like a bull. She looked absolutely terrifying.

"How dare you speak to me that way, boy," she said with a threatening tone. "I hired you, and that means you listen to me.

"Now, you claim there was a dragon," she said, not dropping her angry voice. "Can you give me any proof?"

"Proof?" Terrence said louder than he meant to. "I was beaten and burnt nearly to death! How is that not proof?"

"All that proves is that you are an incompetent buffoon," Head retorted. "You may have fallen into the magma. You may have gotten your bruises from rocks in there."

"THERE WAS A DRAGON!" Terrence shouted. He noticed the pots suddenly run off in terror. "I SAW IT! IT NEARLY KILLED ME! NOW I WANT MY MONEY!"

Head looked at him with a neutral/angry face, but Terrence thought he saw fleeting shock for a moment. Perhaps no one had ever yelled at her like that before. She glared at him harshly.

"It matters not!" she yelled. "You destroyed several priceless pieces of pottery and my desk. MY DESK!" she shrieked, her hair bun loosening in her fury. "That means you owe me! And as such, I am withholding your payment."

Terrence stood there, flabbergasted and furious. He had never met someone so cruel in his life, and that included all the criminals he had fought.

"I deserve that money!" he yelled. "I go out to some stupid, plot holed volcano; I nearly get crushed by flying boulders; I get my arm burnt off; _and_ I get beaten up by a dragon! I did everything you told me to and nearly died doing it!"

"My decision is final," Head said furiously. "If you wish to continue arguing, I will have your head on a spike. Am I clear?"

Terrence fell silent and gave her an "I-hope-you-die-a-horrible-agonizing-death" glare. He turned around and walked to the door. He put his hand on the doorknob, but suddenly turned around.

"You want to know what I think of your school and your students?" Terrence said menacingly. "Fire Strike!"

He threw the fiery magic blast at the headmistress' desk and it lit up in a plume of flame. Head shrieked.

"Not my desk! I'll have you killed for this!"

"Whatever," Terrence muttered. He opened the door, stepped out and slammed it. Then, he opened it a crack and Brandy came running out at top speed.

"Sorry, girl," he said. "Now let's get out of here."

He walked through the hallways and floors, not even registering the stares and whispering this time. He was so angry he could've killed all of them and not given it a second thought.

He walked through the large, double doors to the grounds, walked across the grounds, and then stopped when Brandy ran over to the sign again.

"Brandy, get – _no,_ Brandy," he said, walking to her to grab her. But he noticed something lying on the ground next to the sign.

It was a letter B. He noticed another one lying right next to it. He picked them both up, and realization came to him. He held up one of them next to the word "ITCHCRAFT" and the other next to "ITCHERY" and read the result.

"Well, that explains a lot," he said bitterly. He threw the letters away and walked off.


	16. Another Crossover?

Author's Note: No, I'm not dead. But I've been busy…again.

Terrence: Busy with what exactly?

…I'm not at liberty to discuss that. Anyway! This chapter brings in several characters you may (or may not) recognize.

Terrence: Is this that mission where…

Yep.

Terrence: With the…

Uh-huh.

Terrence: That was the dumbest fight I've ever had, and I've had some dumb fights.

**Chapter XIV: Another Crossover? Are You Kidding Me?**

About a year had passed since Terrence's fight with the dragon (and Professor Head's swearing absolute revenge on him for destroying her desk…twice), and, for the past two months, no more random people had charged after him in an attempt to kill him. He figured Head had hired a lot of mercenaries or something, but considering the fact that his escapades kept ending up in the _Mercenary Monthly_, she must've known they were all futile. He figured she had given up, which was fine with him.

The Dragon mission ended up with him losing 5000 gp; some of it was ship fees, and the rest of it seemed to have vanished during the time he was unconscious. It took a while, but he had finally managed to make enough money to make it up tenfold.

------------------------------

"Okay, so this goes here, and this goes there…"

Terrence looked at a blueprint, trying to figure out how to build his house. He had bought a lot of wood and tools and had the foundation all laid out; all he needed was to figure out what went where.

"Let's see," he said, putting down the blueprint and grabbing a wooden beam. "This support beam goes here, right? I…whoa!"

A blur of black and white suddenly ran past him, knocking him and the beam over. He looked up to see an excited Brandy chasing a butterfly around.

"Why don't you watch where you're going?" he asked her, getting up. Ignoring him, Brandy continued to jump up, trying to catch the butterfly in her mouth. Terrence grabbed the wooden beam, lifted it up, and began working on his house.

------------------------------

Somewhere in Al Kharid, a man wearing a dark robe sat in his office, contemplating. He had been in a long-standing feud with another dark wizard for approximately fourteen months now with no end in sight. Sure, with his own powers he could probably destroy his enemy…but he had far more important matters to deal with, such as world domination.

A thin man walked into his office, holding a piece of paper in his hand.

"Sir, sniff" he said, his allergies giving him a nasally voice, "this letter just came for you. sniff It's from sniff-"

"I know who it's from, Sniffly," the robed man said, standing up and taking the letter. He read it carefully:

Dear Bucketman,

If you think sending one of your pathetic henchmen will stop me, you have another thing coming. She's mine now, and after (the robed man said "blech" in disgust after reading what he said here), I plan on killing her later. MWAHAHAHAHAH! Why did I write that laugh?

Sincerely,

Your hated friend

In a fit of anger, the robed man yelled out, swore, and swung his fists back, inadvertently hitting Sniffly in the chest and sending him flying into the wall. He set the letter on fire using a spell, tossed it on the ground, and stepped on it.

"YEEEEOOOWW!"

Searing pain shot through his foot as his boot caught fire. He jumped around yelling, "Ooh ooh aah ahh" like an overexcited monkey.

"Sniffly!" he yelled at his henchman in panic. "Do something!"

"Yes sir!" he said. He grabbed a random bucket of water and splashed it on his boss, putting out the fire and drenching him to boot. The robed man stood there for a moment, seething in anger.

"Remind me to kill you later," he said.

"sniff Yes sir."

"Now, get me the mercenary guild."

------------------------------

Terrence had managed to get three support beams up and was working on the fourth when…

RINGRING! RINGRING!

Shocked out of his concentration, Terrence accidentally let go of the support beam. It fell to the ground and cracked, leaving a large imprint on the foundation.

"Ah man!" he said, looking at the damage. He sighed. "I'll have to deal with it later." He pulled out his Portable Information SphereSpeak (PISS).

You see, recently the mercenary guild had been working on something better than the "beeper." The beeper was powered by something called "batteries," but they were impossible to charge back up and had to be replaced. PISS was powered by magic, making it easily rechargeable. Plus, one could communicate directly with the client rather than just get a name and location. Terrence remembered the old slogan when it came out…

"Everyone needs PISS!"

He turned on the sphere and looked at Frank, the man in charge of communications at the Guild.

"Hey Frank, got a new mission for me?"

"Yep, hang on," he said, holding up his hands. They glowed bright lavender and sparkled as Frank worked on establishing the magical connection. "Looks like you'll be working for one dark guy this time."

"Eh, nothing I haven't done before," Terrence replied. The sphere blinked for a second and then faded into a dark scene. It was so dark that Terrence couldn't make out the man standing in shadows. He even wore a cloak to conceal his identity.

"Meet me in the Al Kharid dueling arena. I would rather speak to you in person," the man said. He had a dark voice that hardly veiled just how much of a crackpot Terrence figured he was. "Ask for 'Lord Slimebucket.'"

"Al Kharid, got it," Terrence replied. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

Ignoring the weird name (he had heard weirder before), he turned off the sphere and looked at the foundation where he was building his house. Brandy caught the butterfly but promptly spit it out as it fluttered its wings madly.

"Well, I'll finish it later," he said. He got to work on putting the wood and tools away.

------------------------------

The walk to Al Kharid didn't take long. Before going he dropped off Brandy at a dog sitter's house. Then he headed out. He got held up at Barbarian Village by some n00bs, but the barbarians took care of them easily and Terrence continued on. The barbarians basically ignored him if he didn't attack, so he walked on through without any other disturbances.

When he got to Varrock, more n00bs ran around the place, trying to sell bronze armor for 500,000 gp and also begging for more free stuff. And after walking through Varrock he noticed several bald men with goatees and green clothes chopping down a yew tree. He had come to classify these people as "Yew n00bs." He also figured they must be a cult of some kind considering that they all looked exactly the same. Well, either that or a guy went crazy with a cloning machine…

"What's a cloning machine?"

Good question.

He continued south and reached the desert, walking past the mine. Finally he reached the duel arena and entered. He walked over to the receptionist.

"Sniff Can I help you sniff, sir?" the man asked. He was thin and his voice was nasally.

"I'm here to see…what was it again…Lord Slimebucket?" Terrence told him. A look of comprehension appeared on the man's face.

"I see sniff," he said. "He's been expec-sniff-expe-sniff-ah…ah…ACHOO!"

Terrence moved to the side quickly, and with no time to spare; the force of the sneeze was so powerful it sent the receptionist desk flying towards the front door. An unfortunate man happened to be entering when the huge wooden object slammed into him and killed him.

"Oops," the receptionist said. "That's the third time this month sniff." Anyway, Lord Slimebucket sniff has been expecting you. sniff Follow me."

The man walked towards some stairs on the right wall. Terrence noticed everyone walked past them without so much as a glance; he got the feeling only he and the sniffly man could see them. As they walked up the stairs, a feeling of foreboding overcame Terrence as if he was walking into forbidden territory. They reached a door at the top. Sniffly opened it and they entered.

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" a robed man cackled. Terrence figured he must be Lord Slimebucket, but he couldn't understand why he was laughing. He looked at a viewing globe (which had replaced the obsolete television) sitting on a table.

"Now, once again everybody," a sinister man on the globe said. "With feeling. MWHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Slimebucket repeated.

"Uh, sir," Sniffly said."

"I told you not to interrupt me while I'm practicing!" Slimebucket snapped. Then he saw Terrence. "Ah…" He hurriedly turned off the viewing globe and sat at his desk.

"Have a seat, young man," he said in a forced evil voice. Terrence, trying to keep himself from laughing, sat down on a chair across from him.

"Undoubtedly you're wondering why you are here?"

"Yes," Terrence replied.

"I have a dangerous mission for you," Slimebucket said. "This mission will require daring, cunning and most importantly: an ability to walk through a garden of lawn gnomes undetected."

"Oka – wait," Terrence said, thinking about what he was just told. "Lawn gnomes?"

"I have a nemesis. He's obsessed with the stupid things. That's how you'll find him."

"Okay, but what do I have to do when I find him?"

"Actually," Slimebucket said, "my mission doesn't have to do with finding _him._ Only where he lives. After you do that, here's what you need to do.

"I sent a henchwoman after him to assassinate him for me. Unfortunately, she was captured. My enemy has threatened to kill her and I won't allow it. You need to rescue her."

"A damsel in distress mission?" Terrence asked, almost incredulous. "I came here for a damsel in distress mission?"

"There's another reason why I called for you specifically," Slimebucket said. "My enemy has an army of n00bs. I have heard of your exploits and how you once killed multiple n00bs, and then used them in an army against your opponent. Most people would be overwhelmed by n00b stupidity and numbers, but you seem to be unaffected by them."

"Trust me," Terrence cut in, "when you deal with n00bs as much as I have, you get used to it."

"Good, good," Slimebucket said gleefully. "If you find any n00bs, feel free to kill them. But if you get caught by my nemesis, you'll have to fight him yourself. I have several important matters to attend to and can't be bothered by him."

"That's why you called me?"

"Yes."

Terrence stood up.

"Okay, no problem. Kill a few n00bs; save a girl…I can do that with my eyes closed. So, any idea where this guy lives?"

"He lives in a place called the Other Dark Wizard's Tower. According to my sources, the tower is just north of the Dark Wizard's Tower. Should be easy to find, eh?"

"Yeah, and just so I know," Terrence began, "What's his name?"

"Wotsisname."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Wotsisname!"

"Okay, you don't know either?"

"Yes I do! Wotsisname!"

"I'm asking you!"

"Uh," Sniffly started.

"QUIET!" Terrence and Slimebucket yelled. Sniffly jumped and fell silent.

"So what's his name?"

"Yes!"

"His name is 'Yes'?"

"No!"

"So, what's his name?"

"That's his name!"

"That?"

"No! I mean yes, I mean…" Slimebucket said, rubbing his temples. "His name is Wotsisname!"

"Oh," Terrence said. "Why didn't you say so?"

"I did!"

Terrence decided not to argue anymore.

"Okay, I'll take care of it."

He turned and walked out the door. As he closed it, he heard yelling and a sniffly yelp.


	17. Lawn Gnoming

**Chapter XV: Lawn Gnoming**

"This must be the place," Terrence said.

He looked up at the towering building in front of him. It must've been two hundred feet tall, taller even than the Dark Wizard's Tower. It was made of black brick to emphasize its evil and was surrounded by a wooden fence. On the fence there was a gate that said, "Do Not Enter or Touch the Gnomes." After opening the gate Terrence saw what he was looking for…lawn gnomes.

"That Slimebucket guy wasn't kidding," Terrence remarked, looking at the gnomes in amazement. No fewer than fifty gnomes sat in the tall, unkempt grass; Terrence had no idea how all of them could fit in one lawn, but somehow they did. There was no path from the gate to the large double doors on the front of the tower, so Terrence stepped onto the grass.

Suddenly, small lasers flew out of several of the gnomes' eyes. The gnomes turned slowly on the grass, aiming their lasers as they went.

_'Security lawn gnomes…'_ Terrence thought. _'Now I've seen everything.'_ He glanced down, noticing a pair of lasers perilously close to his feet. He stepped over them and continued on slowly, careful about where he treaded.

Slowly he snuck across the lawn, stepping over each laser as they drew near. He felt like he was doing a stupid dance, walking back and forth to avoid the lasers. _'Maybe that's part of Wotsisname's game,' _Terrence thought. He was even careful about every bead of sweat that fell off his brow, sure that each drop could set off the alarm. But after what felt like an eternity, he was only halfway across the twenty-foot yard.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Terrence yelled. Suddenly all the gnomes aimed their lasers at him, tripping the alarm. "What the-? Voice sensors!"

"YOU HAVE INTRUDED ON MY PROPERTY!" a loud, monotonous voice boomed from somewhere. "NOW FACE THE WRATH OF MY N00BS!"

A large trapdoor opened about ten feet to Terrence's right. He drew his sword, ready for a bunch of low leveled idiots. A n00b popped its head out, staring directly at Terrence.

"CHRG!" it called. He jumped out of the hole and several others followed. Before Terrence knew it he was surrounded by no less than thirty n00bs on all sides.

He swore. One n00b drew close and Terrence cut it down. Another one tried to sneak up behind him but made the stupid mistake of yelling "W00t!" as it almost had him. Terrence stabbed it through the stomach. Then they all unexpectedly drew close. Terrence lifted his sword but was suddenly overwhelmed by the onslaught of n00bishness.

"W00t!"

"1337!"

"O LIKE LAWLZ!!11"

"oneoneone!!11one"

"D00d!"

"addy long!1 gimme it11! i wan it more then u u stooped nub lolz pwnt"

"Make…it…stop!" Terrence yelled in agony. He covered his ears but that wasn't enough…he could feel himself blacking out…maybe if he could get out of the lawn he could escape them. Head swimming, he pushed and shoved the n00bs out of his way, trying his hardest to get to the gate…the n00bs followed, all screaming and yelling and w00ting. Terrence ran out of the gate and, with an enormous effort, pushed it shut. The n00bs were too stupid to open it, but they slammed their bodies into it, trying to smash it down. Terrence, mind and vision still hazy, fled.

------------------------------

"Okay, I've had my fingers sliced off and my arm burned down to bone in the same day," Terrence started, "but even _that _wasn't as painful as what I just went through."

No kidding.

Ten minutes had passed since Terrence's horrible encounter with the n00bs. He stood next to the Other Dark Wizard's Tower, trying to formulate another plan. The smashing had stopped, meaning the n00bs were probably back in the trapdoors, lying in wait.

"Well, I've got another plan in mind…"

Hoo boy.

"What?"

Oh nothing. What's the plan?

"You'll see," Terrence replied. To carry out his next plan of attack, he needed to get to the bank. Fortunately, the Dark Wizard's Tower and the Other Dark Wizard's Tower were right next to Falador. Terrence couldn't see why Mayor Shortman would let a bunch of evil wizards keep their tower next to his city, but it was convenient for Terrence.

------------------------------

'_Seeing as this guy is a wizard,_' Terrence thought, '_my armor isn't going to be any good. But I still have that leather armor and the mage robes I got from the Wizard's tower. Maybe those'll help._'

Terrence withdrew a Wizard's hat and robe, leather armor, and an Air Staff he got as a reward for stopping a zombie at the Wizard's tower. The zombie had been resistant to magic and blades so Terrence had to use a warhammer to kill it, but it fell pretty quickly under the crushing metal. He put the leather armor on and then put the robe on over it. He donned the hat and carried his staff out of the bank, all the while keeping his trusty sword on his belt.

"'Trusty sword' sounds cheesy," Terrence said.

I know, but I like cheese.

Terrence stayed silent.

In no time he was outside Wotsisname's gate again, this time ready for the oncoming attack. No more sneaking around. He was going to do this American style.

"What's an American?" Terrence asked.

Doesn't matter. American style involves…well, barging into the heavily armed fortress, guns blazing, all while cursing like a sailor.

"Oh…well, do I have to do the cursing part? Seems kind of unnecessary."

Nah, there's no real need to.

Terrence grabbed some runes from his pack and kicked open the gate.

"Air Bolt!"

He shot a blast of wind at a group of the gnomes, breaking them. The alarm went off again. Terrence saw the trapdoors open around him, preparing himself for the n00b onslaught. Did I mention that "w00t" was the word of the year for 2007?

"Who cares?!"

I do! It's awesome!

"W00t!" yelled a n00b, charging with his bronze short sword drawn. The n00bs surrounded Terrence again, but he was ready this time. He jumped into the air and, releasing the crappy wings, flew up high enough for him to aim a spell perfectly.

"Air Bolt!"

He launched another blast of focused air at the n00bs. It hit one of them hard, dropping him instantly. He let out a few more. The height he was shooting from created a blast radius around every spell, killing around ten n00bs a pop. They screamed in horribly spelled screams of agony as they died.

After a few minutes of blasting, somehow, miraculously, the n00bs were gone. Terrence breathed a sigh of relief, landing on the unkempt lawn. He breathed heavily, trying to slow his heart rate. He didn't know how he had gotten such an adrenaline rush, but he had. But suddenly the terrifying boom of a voice rang out through the yard again.

"SO YOU STOPPED MY N00BS, SO WHAT?" it declared. "I HAVE MORE TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE! Let's see…no, I saved that trap for the mailman…hmmm…" He swore. "The button's on the other side of the room. Just a minute…"

Terrence was at a loss for words. Who the heck was this guy?

"Aha! NOW, FACE MY WRATH!"

Terrence drew his sword, but that didn't prepare him for what came next.

SPROING!

"YYAAAAAGH!"

The lawn was spring-loaded! It suddenly popped up like a platform, sending Terrence flying at least two hundred feet in the air. The wing pack flew off his back, leaving him helpless.

"Oh fuuuuuuuu-"

Terrence started falling down.

"-uuuuuuuuuuu-"

Faster and faster he fell.

"-uuuuuuuuuuuu-"

SLAM! Terrence hit the ground hard, landing outside the lawn. The wings fell next to him.

"Oooh…" Terrence groaned in pain from the fall. He sat up and put his hand on his head. He vaguely remembered something similar happening to him sometime around the beginning of his career, but he couldn't recall what mission it was. He stood up and grabbed the wings, put his hand on his back, and limped away.

------------------------------

"Have you ever been outsmarted by an idiot twice in one day?" Terrence asked the man next to him. He had traveled to Port Sarim for a drink and a break, not sure of his next move. The man he was talking to, a bearded fellow in his fifties, waved his hand absentmindedly.

"Everyday, my friend," he replied. "Everyday."

"I just don't see how to get into his fortress," Terrence told him. "The front entrance won't work and there aren't any other ways in…"

"That's where you're wrong, my friend," the bearded man said. Terrence looked at him, heart racing.

"What?"

"Well, there's a way in through the Dark Wizard's Tower, but you'll need to climb to the top to get there, my friend."

"How do I get into the Dark Wizard's Tower?"

"They aren't exactly picky about who enters, my friend," the bearded man replied. "They let anyone simply waltz through the front door just so they can kill them, my friend. You'll need to be prepared, my friend."

"Awesome," Terrence said, standing up. "I've fought wizards before; this shouldn't be a problem."

"Good luck, my friend," the bearded man said. Terrence glanced at him.

"Why do you end all your sentences with 'my friend'?"

Without warning, the bearded man burst into tears.

"I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, my friend," he choked. "IT'S SO LONELY, my friend!"

Startled, Terrence thought for a moment.

"If I buy you another beer, will you stop crying?"

The man stopped instantly.

"Sure, my friend."

Terrence bought another drink for the man before setting off with his next plan.

"Man, who would've guessed that I'd happen to find someone who could help me in the bar?" he said aloud.

I did.

"You don't count."

After a few minutes of walking and passing by a n00b getting killed by the evil chicken, he stopped in front of the Dark Wizard's Tower. It was incredibly tall, about 150 feet tall. It wasn't as tall as Wotsisname's tower, but that didn't matter. On the top he saw what looked like a bridge that connected it to the Other Dark Wizard's Tower.

'_That must be where I have to go,_' Terrence thought. He opened the door to the tower, sword drawn.

There was no one there. Terrence quietly let out a breath, keeping his sword drawn as he looked around for any dark wizards or creatures. The first room was quaint, with a plush, purple couch, armchair, an ornate red and gold rug and a fireplace. The dark stone walls and the torches on them added a foreboding atmosphere to what would have been a friendly looking room.

"Is this what the tower is supposed to look like?" Terrence asked.

I don't know, I'm not a member on Runescape. I've sort of winging it.

"Oh, okay then."

Terrence glanced around some more. He saw two wooden doors, one on the left and one on the right. He opened the door on the right and entered.

"So, this is what we do," a Dark Wizard said. "We put our right foot in, we put our right foot out…"

"This sounds stupid," another Wizard said.

"It's the most powerful ritual spell in the world!" the first Wizard declared. "Even the gods themselves used it to…what the?"

The Dark Wizard looked at the door. It had opened, but there was no one there. There were three wizards in the room; they all looked alike in their dark robes with hoods, leather gloves and boots. The room had an ornate rug like the last room and a wooden table with several chairs around it. The wizard that was teaching the others the hokey-pokey…I mean, the most powerful ritual spell ever…walked over to the door, not noticing the warrior clinging on for dear life above him, his hands and feet pressed hard between the cold stone walls. The wizard looked in the next room and, seeing nothing, closed the door. Terrence struck.

"Hiyah!" he cried, dropping from his hiding place. He cut the wizard down with his sword as he landed on the floor. The other two pulled out some runes, but Terrence was ready. He grabbed the dead Dark Wizard's body and used it as a shield against the oncoming spells. The blasts simply splashed off against the magical robes. Terrence threw the body at them, knocking them over as he charged forward, jumped over the table and stabbed them, killing them both with relative ease.

'_Good thing wizard robes don't protect against anything,_' Terrence thought. Looking at the dead wizards, he suddenly had an idea.

------------------------------

"This has got to be the most cliché thing I've ever done," Terrence said. He was adorned in full Dark Wizard robes, using the hood to hide his red hair. He had put his blue wizard robes on one of the dark wizards and hid the other two bodies so as to make it look like there had been an intruder. Hopefully no one would look too closely at him.

Terrence turned around and looked across the room at a staircase leading upstairs. He knew he had to reach the top to get to Wotsisname's tower, so he continued forward, taking each step up the stairs carefully but trying to act natural.

The next room was small, with yet another ornate rug, two torches on the right wall, and a staircase across the room. Two dark wizards stood on the rug, muttering about something. They turned to look at Terrence as he walked by. Terrence kept his head down as he walked by silently.

"Wait a minute…" one of the wizards said. Terrence stopped, his heart suddenly racing. Had he been that bad at concealing himself?

"Turn around for a second," the wizard said. Terrence could do nothing but comply, turning to face the wizard as he walked towards him, closely examining his face.

"You shaved, Arthur!" the wizard said, grinning. "I told you that beard was too long. Glad to see you took my advice."

"Oh, uh…" Terrence was at a loss for words, but he had a feeling that Arthur had a deeper voice. "Yes, it was getting itchy," he replied in a deep, raspy voice.

"Exactly!" the wizard said. "Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. You look years younger without it."

"Thank you," Terrence rasped. "Now I must be getting back to business." He turned around and walked up the stairs, breathing a sigh of relief.

He continued his trek up the tower fairly uneventfully, save for the fact that a few wizards had said "Hello Arthur" and commented on the fact that he had shaved. Everything seemed to be going perfectly.

He reached the (he lost count) level. This room had another ornate rug and a magical fireplace on the left side. Magical fireplace sounds so kiddy, huh?

"Yes," Terrence agreed.

The room was occupied by one man. He wore the same black robe that everyone else did. When he heard Terrence enter the room he stood up and turned towards him. He had a long, gray beard and looked to be in his forties.

"Who are you?" he asked in a raspy voice. Terrence put on his own raspy voice.

"It's me, Arthur. I shaved; probably why you don't recognize me."

The man squinted his eyes at Terrence, a suspicious look crossing his face. Terrence felt a pit of dread in his stomach.

"_My_ name is Arthur."

Terrence looked at him for a moment, eyes wide. His cover was blown. He had made it so far and his cover was blown. He grabbed a vase next to him and threw it at Arthur, who caught it with magic and threw it back. Terrence drew his sword and smashed the vase as it drew close.

"Attention everyone!" Arthur said in a magically magnified voice. "We have an intruder! He practices the art of the sword!"

Suddenly three dark wizards appeared behind him. One of them moved to the front.

"Arthur!" he said to Terrence. Arthur rolled his eyes.

"_I'm_ Arthur, you idiot!" The wizard looked at Arthur and realization crossed his face.

"I can't believe you aren't Arthur!" he said to Terrence. The wizards all shot Earth Bolts at him. He rolled to the side; the bolts hit the wall. Terrence threw his sword at one of the wizards. It stabbed him through the chest and he fell to the ground. Terrence was only momentarily satisfied until he realized he had no weapon.

"Hah!" Arthur said triumphantly. He walked over to Terrence in a "I'm better than you" sort of way. Outnumbered and outgunned, Terrence got up and ran for the stairs.

"After him!" Arthur yelled. The four wizards charged up the stairs, trying not to knock each other over as they struggled to catch Terrence.

Terrence reached the top of the stairs, where a small wooden door stood. He looked back; the wizards were gaining on him. Adrenaline pumping, he turned towards the door, wrenched it open and charged through it only to realize something.

He was outside.

"Holy-!" was all that Terrence could say. In front of him lay a dark stone bridge between the Dark Wizard's Tower and the Other Dark Wizard's Tower. Now focused on his goal, he began to run full speed towards his destination. He glanced back for a moment to see the Dark Wizards had come in full force.


End file.
